Notice Of Revocation Of Independence - NZ Version

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE - the NZ version

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In the light of your failure to elect a President and thus to govern yourselves properly, Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II has revoked your independence, effective immediately.

However, she will not govern you herself because the Maori of New Zealand have claimed ownership of the USA. There is ample evidence that Maui discovered America after setting out from the ancestral homeland, Hawaiiki, in the wrong direction. Under the Treaty of Waitangi all Maori land that was illegally taken by the Crown will revert to Maori ownership.

Ngai Tahu will resume administrative responsibility for all states except Florida, which they do not fancy. Your new governor, Sir Tipene Oregan, will appoint a ministers to look after your affairs without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to an Aotearoa-New Zealand Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the New Zealand and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast Russell Crowe and Tem Morrison as good guys.

5. You should relearn your new national anthem, "God Defend New Zealand" in English and Maori, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. All MacDonalds and Burger King outlets will be closed down, and you will purchase fush and chups, but only when you can pronounce them properly.

7. Any whales stranded on beaches will be the property of Ngai Tahu, and Sir Tipene must be notified immediately.

8. You will stop playing American "football". It is a dreadful game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football ie. rugby, which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full body armour like poofters. Initially, it would be best if you played in the women's competition. It is a difficult game, but with training you should be able to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

9. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde.

10. July 4th will no longer be a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, called "Indecision Day".

11. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you Holdens, you will understand what we mean.

12. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

13. Failure to comply with the above will be taken very seriously and result in the severest of punishments - Roger Douglas will be put in charge of your economy, and it will serve you right.

Thank you for your co-operation.

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