Scoop Satire: Traumatised By Home Poetry Invasion

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop has commenced publication of satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

Wellington: A married couple were said to be in a stable condition after a horrific attack in their Kelburn home last night when a lone poet surprised the two as they were having dinner and then proceeded to recite a selection of his poems at them.

“I told him to read whatever he wanted and just go.” said Margerine Scansion, 38. “It was like a nightmare. All the time I sat there thinking ‘Please God let it end’. But it seemed to go on and on forever.”

Police praised the efforts of Margerine’s husband, Raymond Scansion, 42, for his cool thinking during the crisis.

“Mr Scansion‘s actions averted what could have been a very dangerous situation” said Constable Sam Steak. “By applauding politely, refraining from talking during the recital, and not criticising the simplistic rhythm and rhyme schemes, he almost certainly prevented the poet from suffering a sensitivity attack which could have easily resulted in the poet’s harming or even killing someone. Probably himself.”

Constable Steak said the Scansion’s behaviour was recommended to any member of the public caught in a similar situation.

“It’s a fine line. On the one hand you don’t want to encourage them, but then you don’t want
to upset them either. And under no circumstances should you ask the poet to clarify any part of their work. Once the poet starts trying to explain themself you’re in big trouble.”

“He seemed very desperate” said Mrs Scansion. “I got the feeling he just wanted someone to listen. As he would go off into yet another lengthy introduction of the next poem, Ray would whisper to me ‘It’ll all be over soon Honey, it’ll all be over soon’. Honestly, I thought I was going to scream after 30 minutes. And the rhymes...my God, the rhymes...!”

Police confirmed that the poet had taken 3 bottles of beer and a half a leftover roast chicken from the fridge, as well as ‘borrowing’ numerous cigarettes off Mrs Scansion.

Constable Steak said that “There has been an increase in these sorts of attacks in recent years, and, especially disturbing for us, a significant increase in the length of the recitals. Some of these poets will recite first drafts for 45 minutes straight. It’s inhuman. These people are scum.”

Police have released a name of the man they believe to be connected with the recital - Scott Kendrick of Wellington - and also believe that his book, Rhyme Before Reason (HeadworX Press) is available from bookshops for $19.95. Members of the public are urged to buy a copy the moment they see it.

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at bexpress69@hotmail.com. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

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