Scoop Satire: Advert. Executive Gene Discovered

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Edinburgh: After decades of painstaking and often bitterly contentious experimentation, scientists at The Royal College of Executive Genetic Research believe that they have identified the genetic make up of advertising executives (AdExecs) - long regarded as a key building block within the rapidly expanding field of bio-executive engineering.

Sir Braddlehops Inbred, OBE and college rectum, suggested the findings meant AdExecs could now be identified during the middle stages of embryonic development, thus facilitating new methods of nurture and nutrition in ways integrated with the needs of the fully interfaced executive of future years.

“Essentially, it means that we’ll be able to funnel the pre-executive foetus with the necessary levels of cocaine during these oh-so-rather crucial formative months”, he said.

Stanley Maggot, a leading partner in the prestigious London ad agency Carrion, Maggot & Filth, believes the findings will revolutionise the advertising industry. He predicts an already competitive head-hunting tradition becoming more so as agencies seek the rights to form pre-natal contracts with the parents in whom a strong AdExec genetic factor is known to exist. Says Maggot:

“For years the only way we’ve been able to spot talented future advertising executives was through a few clues in infancy; a tendency to drink their own urine, the smearing of faeces over walls...Trying to snort the sugar bowl was always the big one of course...But this was essentially all we had to go on until school - at which point they would usually be beaten and shunned by the other children for theft - especially of other people’s ideas - and exhibitionist acts of onanism. This technology will change everything.”

However, a fierce controversy continues to rage over the relationship between the Royal College and a number of advertising agencies which, it is claimed, supplied junior AdExecs for experiment and analysis to the College.

Leading the claims is Vernon Pustule, 29, previously an AdExec with Chicago agency Parasitic Futures, and now suing them for 75 grams of cocaine, 3 ounces of Durban Gold, 50 yellow-mandrakes, 36 reds, 4 crates of Jack Daniels, a blue & white-striped collarless shirt with bright red braces, and a years membership to a brothel of his choice.

Pustule claims that in 1999 he was sent on a ‘fact-finding’ visit to the Royal College. When he arrived, however, he says that he was incarcerated and used for experimental purposes.

“They put me and another AdExec into adjoining compartments & then saw if we could communicate by pushing either the big red button or the big blue button with our noses. Then they’d reward us with fish.”

Executive Rights spokesperson Fedora Phelps, who has catalogued over 150 cases of executive abuse, has laid similar allegations against the college:

“Some 27 executives had their rights completely violated.” she said. “Of course, no one’s suggesting that AdExecs have human rights, as such, but there are nevertheless certain standards of humane behaviour that we expect scientific procedure to follow.”

Sir Braddlehops Inbred, OBE and college rectum, scoffs at these claims.

“Our methods are completely ethical.” he says. “Did experimentation take place? Certainly. Was it inhumane? You must remember that these aren’t people we’re talking about, for goodness sake, they’re advertising executives! Was it necessary? Absolutely. If people wish to be bombarded by an endless barrage of manipulative inanity designed to instil desires for products they previously had no knowledge of, then it was vital that we understood such things as the unique genetic structures that go into the formation of a strong, sustainable nasal passage, or the chemical processes involved when these remarkable creatures undergo their metamorphosis from infantile retard into full-blown social parasite. Sometimes the ends do justify the means, eh, what-what?”

He also sees a danger in the Hun developing similar technologies equal or superior to the Royal Colleges.

“Try explaining to our gallant lads at the front that a few conchies want Kaiser Jerry or Johnny Turk to gain ascendancy in bio-executive technology because of a few watery ethical issues. Damnable war - will it never end?” he asked before degenerating into mumbling incoherence and wetting himself.

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at bexpress69@hotmail.com. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

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