Scoop Satire: US Hypocrisy Black-Hole Warning

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop has commenced publication of satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

American hypocrisy involving the accumulation of wanton bigotry and outright deception in the name of truth was creating a localized black hole of earth-engulfing proportions warned Cal-Tech Department of Total Destruction research physicist Dan Dreer in a press conference today. Dreer stated that while this had been true since the end of the Second World War, recent events had initiated an unprecedented surge into the blood-drenched red-zone.

“Since September 11 the astounding hypocrisy of the so-called ‘War on Terror’ being conducted by the world’s largest arms-seller has pushed the critical mass of hypocritical bullshit that usually co-exists in an 8th-dimensional parallel flux with our usual time-and-space reality to a dangerously unstable state.” Dreer announced, reading from a prepared statement from the Scientists Against Needless Eugenocide (SANE).

“The density of hypocrisy varies inversely with the density of the person required so as to not notice the hypocrisy.” he said pointing at a blackboard covered in multidimensional calculus and field equations. “See? No one can honestly believe the current level of disinformation This paradigm shift threatens to shatter the ignorance threshold, causing great rips and tears in the status quo.”

“But, as President Bush continues to call Israeli leader Ariel Sharon a “man of peace”, or as he orders war against undefended civilians in a continual pattern of massacres dating back decades, well it’s all just too much. We run the risk of creating too much dark matter in higher dimensions and falling backwards in time. Already we are at early Cold War levels of paranoia and hysteria. Continuation of this pattern will see us reliving the last fifty years of psychotic fear for the end of all life on Earth at the hands of American and rogue Soviet weaponry of mass destruction - possibly backwards, out of sequence, or in a confused jumble of imagery and lies inadequately referencing jingoism and fear-mongering propaganda, as well as the imprisonment of and internal terrorism against legitimate dissenters seeking to rescue their society from the hands of a small cabal of fundamentalist maniacs at the highest level who fail to inform even the law making body of Congress what in the hell it is they think they’re doing with the greatest destructive force known to man. Or something like that.”

To help counter the enormous black cloud of hypocrisy that threatens to engulf all of the future and the past in a inwardly collapsing vacuum of intelligence and freedom, Dreer recommended the elementary application of the same moral standard to all sides, and the end of obfuscating language designed to facilitate atrocities behind vague reassuring terms. “Maybe if we just use the term “killers” for people who kill, be they soldiers, terrorists, freedom fighters, police, whoever, and on whatever side.” suggested Dreer. “As a start anyway.”

The press conference was cut short when dials and gauges began to spin and whirl frantically. “Oh Christ, an IMF economist is speaking in Argentina. Hold the vertical load!” he screamed. White coated scientists scurried to modulate the reverb as smoke poured from the machines. “We can’t hold this off much longer. Tell the people. Tell the people!”

- The Babylon Express is a satirical newspaper published randomly in Wellington. Copies are so far only available in local shops whose proprietors haven't got sticks up their arses. Those interested in acquiring previous or upcoming copies should contact the editor at bexpress69@hotmail.com. Contributions and suggestions are always very welcome. Cheers.

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