World Sighs With Relief As Saddam Is Rescued

Tikrit--Eight months after the search for missing Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein began, US Administrator Paul Bremer said the latest "well baby" has been found alive.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we got him," Bremer told a news conference Sunday. "He appears to be shaken but in good health."

Saddam was rescued Saturday after a massive manhunt discovered him at the bottom of a "spider hole" at a farmhouse just outside of the former tyrant's hometown of Tikrit.

US and Iraqi military personnel worked around the clock to dislodge the murdering bastard from the tomb-like dirt hole--at one point even lowering a dwarf into the small space to evaluate the structural integrity of the tunnel and the physical health of Saddam.

News of his predicament circled the globe with hell-wishers sending hopeful words and prayers from every corner of the earth.

"If there is a god let the walls of the tunnel cave in and suffocate the bastard until he's sucking sand," read one prayer letter from Australia.

"That monster needs to be decapitated and dragged through the streets of Baghdad after his soulless ass is extricated from the hole," read another.

Caption: A Pentagon diagram depicts the "Butcher of Baghdad" trapped at the bottom of the dirt hole, much like baby Jessica 14 years ago.

A Pentagon diagram showed the crawl-space as a 6-foot-deep vertical tunnel, with a shorter tunnel branching out horizontally from one side. A pipe to the concrete surface at ground level provided air.

"It is still unclear as to what the ousted leader of Iraq was doing in the hole when he got stuck," said Lt. Gen. Ricardo Sanchez, the top U.S. military commander in Iraq. "Friends and family said he wandered off about the time coalition forces began bombing Baghdad in April and was never seen again."

The former dictator said he used the time and what little light he had to work on his latest romance novel. His first literary effort, "Zabibah and the King," a 160-page romance story, was turned into a musical last year.

"This latest work was a labor of love and it would have taken forever to finish if I hadn't been trapped in that hole. I guess things happen for a reason," he said.

Saddam said the novel spins the tale of a poor farmer's daughter kidnapped from her village to serve as the king's concubine. When asked if the king's character was based on anyone we knew, he responded sheepishly, "Moi, of course."

The brutal, yet sentimental, thug said as luck would have it, he happened to have a notebook and pencil in his knapsack when he dissappeared into the spider hole. Determined to continue working on his masterpiece in peace and seclusion, when the pencil became dull he gnawed it to a point.

Caption: I just like to work this photograph in whenever possible to remind everyone that our government is largely responsible for Saddam's rein of terror.

"It was great to have all of that time to myself, but I have to say that I'm relieved that the whole ordeal is over."

Apparently disoriented after spending eight months in the dank, dirty hole, Saddam's first request upon seeing US military personnel on Iraqi soil was to speak with his old buddy Donald Rumsfeld.

The two met in the mid 80's while the Reagan administration was arming Iraq with weapons of mass destruction.

"Is that ol' so-and-so around? I've got a gold plated AK-47 for him," he said.

At that point Saddam was informed that the United States military is in control of the country and the Bathist regime had been replaced with the Coalition Provisional Authority and an Iraqi Governing Council.

"Oh shit," he said. "I guess a jacuzzi bath with my harem is out of the question."

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