1. A WORD FROM THE PREZ

2. IRAQ HELP TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE – MAPP

3. HELEN CLARK JOKE OF THE WEEK

4. FRENCH JOKE OF THE WEEK

5. HOT GOSS FROM PARLIAMENT

6. WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

1. A WORD FROM THE PREZ

VICTORY

Not withstanding the dire predictions of doomsayers and peaceniks the Iraq conflict has come to a rapid and decisive conclusion. Whilst every death and casualty is a tragedy the tens of thousands of casualties predicted, if not demanded, by those who opposed the liberation of Iraq have not materialised.

The hundreds of thousands of Iraqis who died under Saddam's rule as a direct result of his policies and purges also helps put in context the casualties of this war.

Perhaps one of the most telling quotes from this war was when an exhausted Baghdad doctor, who had seen more of the horrors of war than anyone deserves, was asked if it had been worth it. He was emphatic that it had been.

AND NOW FOR THE HARD PART... The Coalition war machine is such that victory was never in doubt, (re)building a nation will be the challenge.

As each day goes past security increases and more supplies make there way into Iraq - a country suffering from 25 years of neglect in addition to the damage inflicted in three wars.

The success of "Operation Iraqi Freedom" will be judged in the months ahead. It will be a tightrope balancing exercise for the coalition forces as they deal with a mix of ethnic and religious groups in one of the most delicate regions in the world.

The challenge will be to provide security with out the perception of oppression, guidance without dominance and above all knowing when the time has come to go home.

It will take a great deal of skill and not a little luck, for the sake of the Iraqi people let's hope and pray (for those that way inclined) they can take this opportunity for freedom.

THE ROAD TO DAMASCUS A biblical reference as opposed to suggesting the next target! This courtesy of the April Investigate Magazine:

Kenneth Joseph was a naive young anti-war protestor who travelled to Iraq as a "human shield".

He was quoted as saying the trip "had shocked me back to reality."

He managed to film a number of hours of uncensored material including some Irakis who "told me they would commit suicide if American bombing didn't start.

They convinced me that Saddam was a monster the likes of which the world had not seen since Stalin and Hitler.

Their tales of slow torture and killing made me ill, such as people put in a huge shredder for plastic products, feet first so they could hear their screams as bodies got chewed up from foot to head."

As Joseph learnt sometimes the alternatives are even worse than war.

2. IRAQ HELP TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE – MAPP

The Government's contribution of mine clearers is too little too late to repair its damaged relationship with the United States, says National Foreign Affairs Spokesperson Dr Wayne Mapp.

"The Government's belated offer of assistance has come far too late to repair the very real damage that Helen Clark has wrought on New Zealand's international relations with our traditional allies.

"If the Government was serious about playing its part then we needed to be making a much more serious offer to assist in the reconstruction of Iraq. It should be offering peacekeepers, military engineers and a military medical team.

"The Government is deluding itself if it believes this contribution of mine clearers to the UN will make up for the appalling gaffe by Helen Clark in damaging relations with the United States.

"This gaffe is widely interpreted as being the most damaging action by the Prime Minister in the four years she has held office. Even now she has yet to accept what she said was wrong and is unwilling to take the steps that will repair the damage," Dr Mapp said.

3. HELEN CLARK JOKE OF THE WEEK

A true story this week. Remember Comrade General Clark's incisive comments on the conflict in Iraq, drawn on years of military experience and the wide range of intelligence assets left to the NZ government? That's right folks, it was "fairly bleeding obvious" that the war had bogged down and wasn't going to plan. A week later Baghdad had fallen.

Let's hope that Helen keeps her foot well cleaned!

4. FRENCH JOKE OF THE WEEK

Thank you to all of you who have sent in suggestions for this segment. Sadly we cannot print them all, some we can't print at all! For those who think resorting to jokes to make a point about hypocrisy, particularly that of the French, is unnecessary I suggest you skip down to the next section!
A Difficult dilemna:

You are the President of the United States. Scientists have discovered a meteor that is heading towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in 24 hours, at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth forever. France and the United Nations have requested that the United States send all available aircraft to help evacuate the country, aircraft that are needed in the battle for Iraq! Would you:
1.) Stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live?

Or:

2.) Tape it and watch it in the morning?

(Oh dear, I promise this will be the last one for a while! - ed.)

5. HOT GOSS FROM PARLIAMENT

By New Zealand’s finest investigative journalist, Sneaky R Wilson.

*In recent weeks I’ve been poking a bit of fun at Matt Robson and the Progressive Coalition’s attempts at merging with Labour. Well, now I can tell you the real reason…

Jim Anderton is currently on a four week holiday, with official reports saying he’s off to ANZAC celebrations in Gallipoli. But for four weeks? I don’t think so. I understand he’s also popping into London to check out job opportunities! Yep, the Government is looking at giving him a cushy job in London at the end of this year, perhaps even High Commissioner, to the horror of Jonathan Hunt.

So with Jim gone, it will mean a by-election in Wigram and another Labour MP. Poor old Matt Robson will be the only Progressive MP in Parliament, and would then amalgamate with Labour to become a Labour MP.

Remember…you read it here first!

*For all you hip young kids out there, here is a politician truly in touch with your generation. Yes, it’s Tom Watson, British Labour MP for East Bromwich West. Check out the section of his website labelled “Teens!”, where he attempts to be ‘hip’ and ‘cool’. Here is an excerpt:

“Nobody ever seems to do anything for The Kids! All the decisions are made by suits, man. That's so lame!!! We know you think of yourselves as responsible citizens, but what you wanna do is turn that thought into an action, dudes. Get involved - to the extreme!!”

Unbelievably, this is not a joke site – this is for real. You have to read the whole thing to believe it, at http://www.tom-watson.co.uk/teens.html.

*One party which certainly isn’t in touch with the youth vote is United Future. Leader Peter Dunne has announced his latest policy - to make it illegal for 15 year old boys to sleep with older woman. I’m sure the nation’s 15 year old boys will thank them for this!

Next they'll be trying to make adultery illegal!

*Helen Clark is scheduled to visit Washington in June, but I’m predicting a convenient excuse will soon be found to scrap the trip. Why? Because “Hanoi Helen” has put herself seriously off-side with both Republicans and Democrats over her comments that the war wasn’t going to plan for the Coalition. Her comments, later proved wrong, were widely used by Arabic media as pro-Saddam propaganda.

A Washington source of mine had this to say about Helen’s trip:

"I hope your 'State Department' is dusting off the CV of the Deputy Assistant Under-Secretary of State for Pacific Affairs, because that’s who your PM is going to be talking to for a long time to come."

*Also interesting that the White House now has a policy of only accepting interns from countries that support the Coalition of the Willing.

*Get ready to rumble…Southland is hosting it’s own Fight for Life in early June, with the main event a celebrity boxing match between Invercargill Mayor Tim Shadbolt and former National MP Eric Roy. The two are good mates, perhaps not the most agile competitors around, but both very strong and tough. It should be a ripper!

*Which reminds me…apparently before last year’s Fight for Life, Bill English fractured his finger in training. It came right just days before the fight, but he didn’t tell anybody, even though it disrupted his training and confidence.

*Many punters around Wellington have received an email from former National MP Annabel Young this week, promoting her new book on lobbying. Here is what the modest author had to say:

“It has had great reviews so far. Every reviewer seems to have appreciated my no-nonsense approach to political influence. I particularly liked the commentator who said the book ‘contained gems’ for anyone who wants to get something from a politician.”

*Also publishing a new book last week was Sir Bob Jones, with his book “True Facts”. The novel is set in the future and is about the evolution of “Homo Degeneris”, a human sub-species developed through welfare dependency.

Present at the book launch was out-spoken Labour MP John Tamihere, who loudly told anyone who cared to listen how the book’s dire warning on welfare was absolutely spot-on. He also had some rather nasty things to say about his cabinet colleagues. Uh-oh, Helen won’t be happy!

*Guess which MP likes chewing the tin-foil wrapping of easter eggs, because of the tingle you get from the minor electrical shock?

Oh well, I guess there are worse habits you could have…like the MP who shared a doobie with journalists and staff members at a Christmas party two years ago.

*Speaking of journalists, it was easy to spot the only journo at a recent Rotarian dinner function in Wellington – for a start, he was the only person under 50 there, and as one old biddy remarked, “I think that young man has just drunk all our profits!”

*And in other broadcasting news, TV4 is set to become a full-time music channel from October of this year.

*Whoops, an embarrassing blunder by Police Minister Georgie Hawkins - he put out a press release urging motorists to “be vigilante” on the roads over Easter. Hmmm, is he actually encouraging road rage? Methinks he probably meant “be vigilant”.

*Believe it or not, audacious looters in Baghdad have attempted to steal a camel from the private zoo of Saddam Hussein’s son. The looters used fallen power lines to try and hoist the poor beast over the enclosure wall, but couldn’t lift it high enough.

*Although the Government is lecturing the country on saving power, things can’t be that bad yet – Jonathan Hunt is still using the lift to get to his office on the first floor of Parliament.

*Youthful Labour MP Darren Hughes became embroiled in a childish spat at a select committee meeting last week. At a hearing on the Government’s plans for a new supreme court he earned the ire of Men’s Rights campaigner Peter Zohrab. Here is a rough transcript:

Zohrab: “I don’t believe putting women judges is a good idea at all, they tend to be feminist and they are extremely anti-male.”

Hughes: “That’s a real worry, isn’t it?”

Zohrab: “Yeah, it is a real worry. He’s just a complete idiot. You’re behaving like an idiot if you don’t mind my saying so. You are a complete idiot, you haven’t waited for me to give you the facts!”

*Speaking of young Labour MPs, spare a thought for poor old Moana Mackey - she expected to be an MP months ago, but Graham Kelly has had health problems which may stop him becoming High Commissioner to Canada. Just in case that gravy train falls through he is now refusing to resign, so that he has his Parliamentary salary to fall back on.

Hmmm… how can you be too sick to be a High Commissioner, but well enough to be an MP?

*Speaking of young lefties, Young Labour recently held a “kiss-in” (yuck – ed) outside McDonalds corporate HQ to protest the supposed censorship of ‘Tearway’ magazine, which featured an article on bi-sexuality and homosexuality.

Sneaky R Wilson had a source there who can report the whole sorry debacle…

For a start, gay and student media reporters outnumbered the sorry gaggle of self-righteous protestors. McDonalds then pulled a stunning PR stunt – instead of offering boring old guys in grey suits, they sent out two attractive young female spokespeople to discuss the matter with the protestors.

After a long but polite discussion, both sides agreed to disagree. The McDonalds spokespeople later admitted that they were struggling to understand what the protest was actually about, given that the magazine hasn’t been banned and is available at most outlets (it is up to individual owners to decide whether to stock it or not).

A few reporters then politely asked about the kissing part of the “Kiss-In”. After some nervous indecision, two young lesbians awkwardly locked lips for the cameras.

This may be politically incorrect of me to say so, but in my experience, if there’s one thing that professional gay activists love it’s being a victim. A bit precious if you ask me!

*Finally…Do you read Hot Goss off Scoop? Do you realise that this year alone, Scoop has censored 9 items? Funny how they can print the most outrageous anti-American and anti-George Bush stuff though!

Anyway, the lesson is that you should subscribe to make sure you aren’t missing out! Email mailto: mailto:newwrite@national.org.nz and we’ll hook you up. And check out http://www.nocrap.org.nz to read archives from last year.

And if you have a good story that the world should know about…let us know!

Till next time…My lips are sealed!

-Sneaky R Wilson

6. WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

Do you want to know the dirt on almost every celebrity in Hollywood? This site has it all, in an easy to read format:

http://www.gossiplist.com

Do you want to learn some great pick-up lines from the Victorian era? This is good for a laugh:

http://www.hootisland.com/cgi-bin/victorian.cgi?submit=Touch+my+vitals+quick This site is self-explanatory:

http://www.welovetheiraqiinformationminister.com/

Any views expressed here are not necessarily those of New Zealand Young Nationals, or the New Zealand National Party. Contributions, feedback, articles and subscriptions welcome. Email mailto: mailto:newwrite@national.org.nz Editor: Grant Tyrrell

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