Inside Rove's Diary: Strangle That Censure Baby

Sorry, diary, no time to jot, it's been a helluva few months here in the White House as one balloon after another has exploded in our faces.

We just can't seem to tamp down the Iraq situation enough for us to slide by the November election. The goddamn ragheads can't even agree on a government months after their own balloting! And if scores more civilians and U.S. troops continue to get killed every day, it's not good news for us politically. All we need is a few months of relative calm and a government in place that will do what we tell them to -- for one, permitting our military bases to remain on their territory. But we may not get that.

But we'll use whatever comes along. If the Iraqis ask us to leave, we'll announce that we'll leave. However, we'll make the effective date after the election, and then things may change, ha ha.

That hope that our troops might be leaving should garner us more support with our GOP base, at least enough to hold onto our majority in the House in the midterm election. That's all that matters right now.

Then the Iraqis can go back to slaughtering each other, I don't care. The few American casualties are "the price a nation pays for the defense of freedom." Focus groups seem willing to buy that one, so that's our story and we're stickin' to it. We gotta hope it will balance out the "incompetence" albatross that's hanging around our necks.

The GOP base used to be monolithic in support of us. But now a good many are drifting away, having figured out that we don't really have a coherent plan for Iraq, and saying we're wasting our troops and treasure for no good purpose. (They sound like goddamned Cindy Sheehan!) What do they know? We do have a plan: It's called permanent war, permanent control, but we prefer not to talk about it. As for bankrupting the treasury, duh, that's the idea, stupids. How else can you get big government into the bathtub for lessons in drowning?

MIDTERM ELECTION MACHINATIONS

Those GOP turncoats may not be able to bring themselves to vote for a Democrat in November, but, if they sit on their hands on election day, it amounts to the same thing. The Demoncrats could well sweep into power in the House, and we can't have that. If the Dems control the House, we're in deep doodoo.

They would control the committees and thus would have full use of subpoena power and would put us under oath in a variety of dangerous hearings: on domestic spying and break-ins without warrants, on our ties to Abramoff, on our lies and deceptions that took us to war in Iraq, on the Halliburton thievery, on our misuse of the FBI and Secret Service, on our encouraging the use of torture of prisoners, on our Patriot Act and its shredding of constitutional protections, on our theory that presidents can break the law whenever they feel like it as long as they use the magic words "national security" and "war on terrorism," and so on.

In short, we've got to win in November (Memo to Self: Be sure to call our frie nds over at Diebold and Sequoia), which is why we've got to squash Russboy's censure resolution real quick before it gains any traction. Thank God the Demoncrats are such jellyfish, backing away from Feingold as quickly as they can swim. If we can make the public think it's just a few weird liberals and pro-terrorist bloggers behind censure, we're home free.

But if the public fails to take that bait, the Dems' censure ploy might tempt more GOP moderates and conservatives to jump ship, and censure might even lead to impeachment. I say strangle this little sucker right now in its crib; don't even take the risk it might grow up.

If they want to play this game, we have to let them know they're in the big leagues now. In short, find (or invent) dirt on Feingold and cover him in it to the point where it will make the SwiftBoating of Kerry look like a high school prank. I think the Dems will get the message and will remain their usual docile selves. God, how I love my job! I just hope I can keep it.

A MISTRIAL OR PARDON

Fitzpatrick continues to let me dangle in the wind, and, if something goes wrong, I could wind up indicted along with Scooter. Well, if it comes to that, I'll join Libby's game of courtroom hardball: We'll both call key Administration witnesses to discuss classified information, and the government will have to withdraw the indictments lest "national security" be compromised.

But if none of that works, there's no way I'm going into the slammer. Even though it will smell to high heaven, Bushboy will simply have to pardon us pre-emptively and stop the case in its tracks. Poppy Bush did it with Cap Weinberger in Iran-Contra and got away with it, so why not Dim Son?

Sure, the Demoncrats will yell and scream, but what the hell can they do about it if they remain in the minority and the mainstream media remains pretty much in our control? The Dems are quite aware of our political and criminal liability in so many areas, but they don't have the legislative tools, or the balls, to try to stop us.

THOSE LOUSY POLLS

It's so much fun running at the Dems' perceived strengths full bore and then watching them totally flummoxed, ducking and covering, instead of simply standing up straight, taking the hit and breaking our momentum. On the other hand, the Demoncrat opposition is starting to attack us on our strong suit, "national security," and the poll numbers are showing more and more Republican defectors don't feel as safe or as trusting under us as they once did.

Jesus Christ, Bushboy is down to 33% in the polls! That's just about the percentage of our rock solid evangelical base. Cheney is at 18! Why did he have to go hunting quail in his condition? Lucky the sheriffs agreed to come back the next day to interview him, when he was, uh, more sober in his judgment. (Good one, that!)

We've got to do something drastic to change the news agenda. Wonder if there's anything in the works: An assassination? A terrorist attack inside the U.S.? Some "missing" WMD that suddenly gets found in Iraq? Maybe a bit more anthrax powder making its way through the halls of Congress? Bombing the Iranian nuclear facilities? McCain taking over as Veep after Cheney resigns for "health reasons"? Something. Anything?

THE CLUELESS OPPOSITION

The point, which I have to keep reiterating to the weak-kneed down in the bunker, is that no matter how outrageous our behavior, no matter how much the Dems and a few GOP moderates twist and shout in pain and anger, we don't have to worry. They haven't got a clue how to stop us.

We were declared the winners in 2004 (notice I didn't say that we "won the election," hee hee), and that was the referendum on our rule. The Dems don't get do-overs. Assuming we can squash all this talk about censure/impeachment, hold onto the House in November, and keep our media boys in line, the Dems will just have to wait until 2008 for another one of their losing tries.

And, if we're lucky, they'll pick Hillary and we'll get another four years of Republican rule, with our guys still in positions of power throughout the three branches.

Eat that pickle, you pinko liberals.

Bernard Weiner, a playwright and poet, has peeked into the diaries of numerous public figures ( www.crisispapers.org/weinerpubs.htm#diaries ). A Ph.D. in government & international relations, he has taught at various universities, worked as a writer/editor with the San Francisco Chronicle, and currently co-edits The Crisis Papers ( www.crisispapers.org). For comment: >> crisispapers@comcast.net <<.

First published at The Crisis Papers and Democratic Underground 3/28/06.

Copyright 2006 by Bernard Weiner

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