Michael Collins: A Modest Proposal

Thursday, 3 May 2007, 11:06 am
Opinion: Michael Collins

A Modest Proposal

Is this reasonable?
Michael Collins
Washington, DC

I submit this brief proposal with all the humility I can muster. As citizen of the United States of America, I have no desire to interfere in New Zealand politics. Far from it! Along with tens of millions of Americans, I admire your principled and steadfast civility on the international scene and the various freedoms you offer; not the least of which is the most advanced freedom of the press in the world. Were it not for “Scoop,” the USA would be in a state of total information lock down concerning the bullies who occupy the White House and other parts of the junta.

Is This Reasonable?

s59 Domestic discipline (1) Every parent of a child and, subject to subsection (3) of this section, every person in the place of the parent of a child is justified in using force by way of correction towards the child, if the force used is reasonable in the circumstances

Apparently not, it’s been removed. But what of the poor parents who, for whatever reason, have that reflexive need (we call it a Jones) to smack?

For example, if your child runs in the street and is yanked back just in time, a parent would have to sit and think: Do I smack the little rascal or show my gratitude to the Almighty by giving him a big hug? We know how that story ends. Prevention trumps celebration.

Here’s a Fool Proof Solution to the Problem:
The Executive Smack Down

Rummy raises his hand. Awestruck reporters listen to his every word.

As one of the best known advocates of force might say, make the entire process transactional. It’s a two step process.

Parents who intend to smack their children would simply sign up for that activity and then receive a CS designation. This stands for Certified Striker. This designation would be added to the parent’s appropriate records and files. In fact, the strikers might even receive a tasteful lapel pin to display. The use of certified offers a level of dignity to the process for those whose first impulse is Let’s Get Physical!

Next, the employers of those parents would receive notice that they had a Certified Striker in their employ. Here is the equity position this proposal. Any CS would, by law, be eligible for the same types of punishments at work that they deliver at home: a smack across the face, a paddling on the bottom, lash or two with good old dad’s belt.

It Works for Everybody Who Works

Imagine the improvement in efficiency for the CS faction of the work force. They would be looking over their shoulder for any sign that the boss was about to deliver a beat down. That’s the type of fear that focuses the mind on tasks at hand. No horseplay, just good hard work. And we are redeemed through work, aren’t we?

This is the brave new world of labor relations. From each according to his abilities; to each according to the boss’s proclivities. For those not in the workforce, every person in the place of the “boss” is justified in using force by way of correction towards the child

Serious Motivation Awaits Employees.

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