Lyndon Hood: Manifesto Of The Sarcasm Party

At the Sarcasm Party, we understand that you've been hard done by after nine long years of economic prosperity and are looking for a fresh breath of common sense change or whatever. So voting for us would be an awesome idea, because we'd fix everything with our magic fixing wand.

And we love family values too. Abso-frickking-lutely love them. We're so full of family values we could puke up a bucketful of them every day and still have plenty left over. When they unclog our drains they find piles of it.

That's why we're going to solve the problem of all those solo mums. We're going to make all those parents who didn't want to live with each other, live with each other. Bam - Problem solved! I'm sure it'll go swimmingly. Steaming pile of family values right there.

And we'll re-ban prostitution. These days it's like we can't roll over without bumping into a hooker.

If prostitution were made illegal it would return us to the way things were before, when nobody ever had sex for money. And little children played with cuddly lambs and there were flowers and stuff and jingly little bells.

Yeah, banning stuff totally makes problems go away. The party pills you get now are way less dangerous than BZP.

There are too many people on welfare. Ban that too.

We would abolish parole. That would totally make the world a better place overall. Because of some reason that escapes me right now.

Oh, that's right. Because some of us remember when we had real prison riots and we think that sounds awesome.

And if you made sentences harsher, I bet those people who want harsher sentencing will be totally happy rather than continuing to lobby for even harsherer sentencing.

This idea that prisoners have rights has gone too far. We should treat them like they're subhuman - that'll teach them for not doing right by other human beings. And when we've finished doing that, we might consider something that will actually have some effect on the crime rate.

Now I'm gonna mention middle New Zealand. There you go. Gotta vote for us now.

Here's a fantastic idea: instead of an independent body which takes account of the scientific evidence and the proper allocation of finite resources, let's have medicine funding decided by politicians. Especially the really expensive medicines. What could possibly go wrong?

Houses are way too expensive. We should do something about that. Also, we should be careful about extra spending or tax cuts because it might overheat the economy and cause inflation. Our exporters are being crushed by the high dollar. Yeah, that's right. We're so good at economics we made up our policies six months in advance. If anything changes we can just promise to do the same things, but pretend it's an up-to-the-minute response to whatever economic thingy white people are worried about at the time. Must remember to check the Listener covers.

Oh, and there's a whole bunch of other stuff we would have spend money on - you would have loved it - except the fairies didn't bring us all that gold like we asked.

Our billboards will make more sense the National's and be better spell-checked than ACT's. Even though that will be really, really hard.

We promise not to have some half-assed coalition policy like if we pretended to be centerists wanting to moderate whichever party gets the numbers but putting enough caveats about other coalition partners and on so in that we'll probably only be be able to work with one, and then getting all tetchy on election night because it turns out the other one got the numbers anyway and our hair gets all messed up and we probably cry or hurt ourselves trying to stab a reporter with a broken bottle or something.

We are prepared to negotiate a coalition with any party born in a leap year, keeping those radicals who disagree with our radicals from the seats of power with a determination equal to the number of days since an international sporting victory multiplied by the baubles of office while keeping government honest.

We will not announce our coalition plans until some genius explains how someone can possibly be to the left of National with all this superfund-money-controlling and handing out random welfare cheques.

Hurt our prospects though it might, we have made a moral decision that we will under no circumstances sit around a cabinet table with Gordon Copeland.

So yeah, all our policies are completely good ideas. If you support them, you can help our presidential-style campaign by standing on intersections shouting our party leader's name. Name of the leader of the Sarcasm Party is "Ima Nidiot". Everyone will think you're awesome.

So vote for the Sarcasm Party. We're totally a registered political party.

Not.

Got Feedback? Leave a comment on Lyndon's blog

© Scoop Media