Lyndon Hood: Honeymoon Briefs

John Key Meets Queen, Avoids "Pants" Faux Pas

Prime Minister John Key has met the Queen. In an attempt to differentiate his leadership style from Helen Clark's he did not wear trousers at the event.

"The response to Helen Clark's behaviour made it clear meeting the Queen with trousers on is not respectful," said the pants-less Mr Key.

The Queen is unused to seeing women in breeches and, before meeting the pantaloon-clad Helen Clark in 2002, was unaware your earth females had legs.

"I've said before I don't have to adopt all of Helen's policies," Key added.

The Prime Minister went on to say that, while it was inevitable the New Zealand would eventually become a republic, he didn't expect it to happen under his government.

In the absence of pants Mr Key wore a pastel blue Trelise Cooper gown, set off with a pauashell-and-silver necklace and white stilettos.

Blogger Still Maintains Clark Just Like Mugabe

The power-sharing arrangement Helen Clark has permitted after the opposition National party's election victory may dissolve into violence at any time, reports an anonymous blogger who continues to insist New Zealand has become exactly like Zimbabwe.

There is increasing concern for the blogger, who appears to be trapped in the imaginary alternative universe where he lived for the last two terms of the Labour government.

Readers had believed the blogger to be freely interpreting real world events, and expected the tone to settle following the election of a National-led government. But they have now realised he is in fact mentally locked in "a whole nother universe".

His recent posts indicate that in 'HelenGrad' violent unrest and oppression are increasing, inflation has hit a record 500 000% and refugees are fleeing across the border to South Africa.

Jim Anderton Loves Labour So Much He Is In Fact Marrying Them

The Progressive Party will form an "opposition coalition" with the Labour Party, leading commentators to suggest that Progressive leader Jim Anderton love Labour so much he wants to marry them. The two parties are expected to remain up a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, until such time as Anderton leaves parliament.

The move has been long expected as Anderton has been in bed with Labour since 1999.

"Well I happy for them and all," said one observer, "But aren't they related?"

New Press Secretaries Busy Reprogramming AutoText

Newly-hired members of Ministers' and MPs' staff are now preparing for the new session of Parliament. A high priority is adapting their word processors' auto-complete function to their post-election position.

For example, instead of "chainsaw massacre", "out of touch", "exodus to Australia" or "rising rate of violent crime", new Ministers will be able to type phrases like "on the right track", "reporting of domestic violence" and "has welcomed the release of the report into" at the touch of a button.

If the software is correctly changed from "Government" to "Opposition" mode (or vice versa), MPs will not be required to think for another three years.

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