Forgiveness is Dysfunctional

Forgiveness is Dysfunctional

Robert J. Burrowes

Certain religious traditions, including Christianity, emphasise the
importance of forgiveness. I want to explain why forgiveness is
misconceived and, therefore, a bad idea. And why there are important
psychological reasons for this. In essence, the key question is this: What
is the appropriate psychological response to inappropriate behaviour if we
want change in the direction of improved functionality in future?

Hominids evolved over millions of years giving evolution a tremendous
amount of time to produce a species that was both physically and
psychologically functional. By giving homo sapiens the potential to have
emotions such as love, compassion, empathy and sympathy, as well as the
mental function of conscience, humans have the potential to develop an
enormously powerful 'built in' moral compass – what Gandhi called their
'inner voice' – to guide their life. And if you follow these internal
guides, you do not behave in ways that are moral or immoral according to
some social prescription, you are doing what is functional. Moreover, this
might include conscientious disobedience of an unjust law.

A functional human society nurtures our genetic potential rather than
trying to replace it with socially determined laws, rules, commands,
morality, ethics and religious guidance, many of which run counter to what
evolution intended. Obviously and tragically, modern societies fail to
nurture our genetic potential and the failure of the externally imposed
legal, moral and religious code to be widely internalised is palpably
obvious for everyone to see: we live in a world of phenomenal violence.
See 'Why Violence?' http://tinyurl.com/whyviolence

If someone behaves badly towards you for no reason that can be traced to
your own behaviour, they do so because their mental processes are not
functioning as evolution intended, probably because of previous social
interference. This means that the feedback they are using about your
behaviour has been inaccurately perceived by their sensing capacities
(particularly their hearing and sight), the feedback has been inaccurately
interpreted by their mental functions (which must include memory,
intellect and emotional responses in this context) and/or there is a
significant dysfunction in the connection between how they intend to
behave and how they actually behave.

Whatever the cause of their abusive behaviour, however, the person needs
accurate feedback about their behaviour in order to be able to correct
their misperception, misinterpretation or dysfunctional response. And they
will learn most quickly and benefit most directly by receiving honest
feedback about their behaviour. Forgiveness is simply inappropriate and
most unhelpful and people who are 'forgiven' are given neither important
feedback nor appropriate incentive to reflect on the cause of their
behaviour and its adverse consequences. And those who forgive are doing
them a great disservice.

Interestingly, if we consider why people forgive, we will usually find
that it is not out of any magnanimous or charitable motive. People usually
forgive because they are afraid to challenge the poor behaviour of others.
And they then dress it up with something like 'it enables us to move
forward'. The problem is this, however. If the person has not received
honest feedback about their behaviour and made some effort to understand
why it occurred in order to be able to act differently in future, then the
likelihood is that the person will repeat the bad behaviour at the next
opportunity, even if they have been forgiven.

To reiterate: Most people who seek forgiveness are scared of being held
accountable for their behaviour. Most people who offer forgiveness are
scared of holding people accountable for their behaviour. Forgiveness and
fear usually go together.

So what do we do instead? If someone has behaved inappropriately towards
you, the courageous way forward is to have your own natural emotional
response to this behaviour whether it be sadness, anger, fear or calm
acceptance. Once you have given appropriate attention to your own
feelings, which will guide you to defend yourself vigorously if this is
necessary, you also have the option, if you feel able to do so, to provide
listening so that the person behaving badly can work out why they did so
and work out what will need to happen so that they can avoid behaving
badly in future.

This might require considerable emotional healing. It also requires that
the conflict be engaged with compassion and without blame or punishment by
the listener. However, if either you or the other person does not feel the
feelings about the conflict, then it cannot be resolved and these feelings
(which may well be suppressed below conscious awareness) will undermine
any effort to achieve resolution irrespective of the sophistication of
your conflict resolution process.

The listener might start by asking questions such as: 'How did you feel at
the time? Why did you behave in this way? What was happening for you that
made this happen?' And then listen to the person who behaved badly while
they try to work this out by feeling the feelings raised by such
questions; this might involve uncovering deeply suppressed feelings about
how they were treated as a child. For more information about this, see
'Fearless Psychology and Fearful Psychology: Principles and Practice'
http://anitamckone.wordpress.com/articles-2/fearless-and-fearful-psychology/
Whether you are the person to listen or they should seek out someone else
to listen, is something you should consider carefully. No-one is the
appropriate listener in every context, no matter how good they are at
listening.

The outcome for which to aim is enhanced mutual understanding and improved
behaviour on the part of the perpetrator. If the perpetrator genuinely
understands why they behaved as they did and understands what they need to
change, and is willing to undertake to do this, and the victim understands
this as well, then mutual understanding, acceptance and trust is the
appropriate and desirable outcome and forms the basis for an improved
relationship in future. And any decision about the appropriateness of an
apology and/or compensation can be easily negotiated in this atmosphere.

If no understanding can be reached or the offender breaches any agreement,
then the victim has the option of noncooperating with the perpetrator by
discontinuing the relationship until the issue is resolved. Of course,
the conflict might never be resolved in which case discontinuing the
relationship permanently is the obvious and appropriate option. Staying in
an abusive relationship, including one in which a person endlessly needs
forgiveness, is never the right answer.

Tragically, children who are trapped with violent parents in our world of
nuclear families are unlikely to have a viable alternative to remaining in
the abusive relationship. Hopefully, we will move away from nuclear
families as society evolves in response to its current interrelated
crises. See 'The Flame Tree Project to Save Life on Earth'
http://tinyurl.com/flametree

Of course, if you are the person who has behaved badly, then it is you who
will need to consider the question of 'why?' And this might be quite
painful although it will always be liberating too.

If you want an end to all forms of abusive relationships, then you might
like to consider joining the worldwide movement to end all violence by
signing the online pledge of 'The People's Charter to Create a Nonviolent
World' http://thepeoplesnonviolencecharter.wordpress.com

Challenge requires courage and listening; forgiveness only fear.

Biodata: Robert J. Burrowes has a lifetime commitment to understanding and
ending human violence. He has done extensive research since 1966 in an
effort to understand why human beings are violent and has been a
nonviolent activist since 1981. He is the author of 'Why Violence?'
http://tinyurl.com/whyviolence His email address is flametree@riseup.net
and his website is at http://robertjburrowes.wordpress.com

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