For Immediate Release ............

The Society for Promotion of Community Standards Incorporated (SPCS)

Media Release

26 June 2009

Satirists for Section 59 Debate
Keyhole convicted of Assault on 7-year old

John Keyhole, 50, well-known for his sardonic and satirical attacks against laws he considers to be “as weird as Dr Seuss's ham & eggs stories", was a dejected, dishevelled and disorientated man as he staggered from the Papatoetoe District Court yesterday after being convicted of "common canine coercive assault" (or "dog assault") by Justice Willy Feeblemind.

The police prosecuted Keyhole for "aggressively pulling and redirecting" his leashed female dog named Bozzo, a pure-bred American Pit Bull, "more than once in a manner that caused distress to the bitch", based on an authoritative eyewitness report from a female dog behaviour expert (she was not named in Court). The woman, who did not appear in Court, told police that she was "100% certain" that the "violence inflicted on the poor dog (Bozzo) by the accused (Keyhole) caused it to either fall, genuflect, stumble, slouch forward, levitate, or gesticulate with its paws, three times - or one or more combinations of the aforementioned actions." She admitted to police, following light-hearted questioning, that her uncertainty over the facts of the case, was because "I was not wearing my glasses at the time, I was focused on my own dog's emotional needs and I only observed the altercation for one minute - or was it three - or four?".

The "man-on-dog assault" that was eventually reported to police, via a circuitous and indirect route, took place according to the witness on the edge of the Kiora Road (Papatoetoe) No 8 rugby field when the accused man's dog "refused to move away from an attractive overripe lump of f##ces, freshly deposited by my own male dog, a Pee-eyed Persian Poodle, which I affectionately call Lusty or Peewee for short." The Court was told how a considerable battle of wills had escalated as Keyhole's dog Bozzo protested his remiss owner's "refusal to give it the proper freedom to investigate Lusty's deposits". There was also "some problem with Bozzo digging her toes into the turf that made the dog more prone to stumbling, slouching, falling and gesticulating, etc. when Keyhole applied "corrective discipline" via leach-pulls using "reasonable force" to coerce her olfactory receptors away from Peewee's deposits."

A passer-by, the woman witness, identified on Left Wing blogsites as "Miss Busybody", intervened in Keyhole's disciplinary canine coercive corrective and was told by him to mind her own B##!!!! business. This kindly response may have incited Busybody's passions, inspiring her to write a colourful letter about the alleged offence she observed and send it to the CEO of the Local SPCA, Miss Ah-Naturale Justice, two weeks later. The CEO on receiving it, referred it immediately to the police without contacting Keyhole to discuss the matter with him. Puppy Obedience School Wag Wag Inc. became involved in the distressing incident of alleged canine abuse only AFTER the police decided to prosecute Keyhole. Wag Wag CEO, Miss Melody Mindless and her officials, interviewed Keyhole's whanau and close associates, three months AFTER the complaint was referred by Miss Busybody to police. Wag Wag staff were happy that Bozzo was at no further risk from the accused or his whanau.

Keyhole's "out of the blue and into the red arrest" (as he calls it), fingerprinting, photographing, DNA profiling, breath-testing, and videoed interview, occurred five weeks after the incident took place. The time lag between the police follow-up and Wag Wag's intervention, was explained in Court as due to the time commitment made by both these very busy agencies in lobbying for the "YesVote" campaign - a national referendum relating to puppy abuse - and time spent on the vexing local problem of boy-racing.

In court yesterday the police read out their compellingly obscure reasons - derived from Busybody's eye witness report - for charging Mr Keyhole with "common canine coercive assault" (or "canine cruelty"). The principle of justice whereby an accused dog owner has the right to face his or her accuser appears to no longer apply in New Zealand. Police now appear to be using no discretion whatsoever about whether or not to prosecute dog-owners - they just prosecute when any busybody's untested colourful complaint is referred to them. They no longer appear to be capable of determining whether or not a complainant's allegation has any veracity. They just leave it to the Judges to decide. (None of the dozens of by-standers present at the park when Miss Busybody witnessed the so-called 'dog abuse' had raised concerns with Keyhole).

Keyhole pleaded guilty primarily because he cannot afford to defend the charge. He doesn't qualify for legal aid and proceedings to date will cost him $1500 which he says he doesn't have. It hurt him badly to make this concession and plead guilty to "canine assault". He hadn't known it was against the law to 'pull' his dog strongly by its lead in order to force it away from a dog turd. He has no previous record of violence or abuse towards animals or humans and has never been in the dock before. His lawyer Familio Firstus QC made an application for a section 106 discharge without conviction and the police say that due to the level of violence alleged by Miss Busybody - clearly they must think it's of a triffling and trivial nature - they will not contest this. This raises the serious question says defence counsel Familio Firstus, as to why they prosecuted Keyhole of dog abuse in the first place! Keyhole has agreed to complete a two-month anti-violence course which may help him avoid prison, community service and/or a hefty fine.

The judge took many minutes to read the many testimonials submitted in support of Keyhole from his many Facebook website fans (he boasts of "many" thousands). The Court heard that he had raised a large number of American Pit Bull terriers single-handedly without running into problems with the police or other busybodies. During this time, his own whanau remained very quiet. Apart from Keyhole sniffing and blowing into a pile of blue tissues in an attempt to hold his warrior-like composure, the room was silent. Keyhole was ashen-faced.

Eventually Judge Feeblemind agreed to remand Keyhole on bail to reappear in two months time at which point he should have completed the course of anger management imposed on him by the Court. His extended whanau filed out of court with wet eyes and words failing. The lawyer told Keyhole that there is still no guarantee he will get a discharge without conviction in September. So the distress and uncertainty he was hoping to put behind him today will continue for weeks to come. He told a close (unnamed) associate "I will never trust the police or justice system again."

According to the written testimony to the Court from Wag Wag Puppy School CEO and staff, Keyhole and his female partner are a well-respected and well-educated couple. They are both dog lovers have successfully raised their blended Pit Bull terrier and Pee-eyed Persian Poodle dog pack. Keyhole's grandparents are bewildered. Angry. Like him they too appeared disorientated, dishevelled and dejected.

Clearly the bar has been lowered. The police can and will prosecute any degree of force used on a disobedient, recalcitrant dog, on hearsay alone. Be warned! Beware of the Miss Busybodies of this world! Beware of the police! Oppose any law that says that "reasonable force used for the purpose of CORRECTING a dog's wayward olfactory habits is a criminal offence".

ENDS

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