Education can save lives

“Education can save lives”, says White Ribbon Ambassador and author David White. “I believe that educating men and women about the dangers women face when leaving violent relationships is vital”.

The coroners report into the murder suicide of Nicole Barker by her violent partner has drawn attention to the lack of understanding around domestic violence, including what to do when leaving a violent relationship. Something that David White is actively talking about as a White Ribbon Ambassador and author of Helen, The Helen Meads Tragedy, a book he wrote after his daughter was killed by a violent and controlling husband.

“A little bit of knowledge would have saved my daughter’s life. Too often women are not aware of the warning signs, and friends and/or family don’t know how to help. That Helen was killed so close to leaving and starting a new life is a tragedy. I want to make sure that no family has to go through what we are still going through,” says David.

Families Commission White Ribbon Campaign Manager agrees, “Campaigns such as White Ribbon have a significant role to play in increasing awareness and getting facts into the public domain. Currently there’s a lack of understanding around what constitutes controlling behaviour and how that can lead to violence. If men are using fear to control a relationship such as always knowing where you are, who you’re with, what you’re doing - it’s important to understand that these behaviours indicate an unhealthy relationship, one that can potentially become fatal when the relationship ends,” says Mr McCann.

“When controlling behaviours fail, such as when a woman announces she is leaving, that is when escalation can and often does occur. In the worst cases this results in death. From 2002-2008 there were 186 family violence deaths of which 100 were partner homicides with 86% of those being perpetrated by men,” says Mr McCann. “A number that is just way too high.”

In 2012 the White Ribbon Campaign will focus on debunking the myth that violence is only physical.

“We hope to get our White Ribbon Ambassadors and White Ribbon Riders out in communities talking about what constitutes ‘healthy relationships’ and part of that is to expose behaviour that is controlling and constitutes violence. We realise that this will be a challenge for some men, but as a campaign led by men, we want our mothers, daughters, sisters, partners and friends to be safe and live in a world free of violence.

“Women’s Refuge has put together 10 danger signs of a violent relationship. We want to help make sure New Zealanders understand and recognise these signs. At the same time we want to say that most men are not like this, and with just over 30 White Ribbon Ambassadors out talking about what constitutes a healthy relationship, we hope we can educate by demonstrating good relationships,” says Mr McCann.

10 danger signs of a violent relationship (supplied by Women’s Refuge)

1. He wants to know where she is, what she is doing and who she is with.
2. He monitors her calls, texts and emails, checks receipts and car mileage
3. He controls her life and her choices even if no physical violence has taken place
4. He isolates her from her family and friends and/or displays jealous and possessive behaviour
5. He forces her to have sex, watch porn, or do things she doesn’t want to do
6. He threatens or physically harms her, the children or other family members
7. He has harmed animals as part of the abuse in the relationship
8. He has used a weapon, like a knife or firearm to hurt or threaten her
9. He has threatened to kill her, the children or himself if she leaves
10. He has tried to strangle her (this included any kind of hold to the throat)

Don’t forget, a dangerous time for a woman’s safety is when she is thinking about or preparing to leave the relationship or at a time when the perpetrator realises that she is not going to return.

Key advice for supporting someone who is experiencing domestic violence includes (supplied by Women’s Refuge):

• take all violence seriously
• listen to her story and do not judge her in any way
• be available to help her when she needs you and keep her information private and confidential
• don’t force her into making decisions she is not in control of
• suggest to her and/or support her if she wants to talk to a refuge advocate, access a safe house or contact any agency specialising in domestic violence
• help her find the ‘making a safety plan’ advice on the Women’s Refuge website
• tell a friend when preparing to leave a violent relationship but keep her plans secret from the perpetrator

Key Messages of the White Ribbon Campaign

Violence towards women is unacceptable
It is ok to ask for or offer help
No violence is tolerable. If you know someone who is being frightened or intimidated by the behaviour of someone else, it is not OK.
Violence isn’t just the physical, it’s also emotional or verbal behaviour used to control someone through fear. Things we say, or don’t say, contribute to the abuse.

Men must stand up and provide leadership
White Ribbon Day is the international day when people, particularly men, wear a White Ribbon to show they won’t tolerate, condone or remain silent about violence towards women.
It originated as a men’s movement in Canada and is now part of the United Nations annual calendar (International Day for Elimination of Violence Against Women). The Families Commission took a leadership role in New Zealand in 2006.

Men are part of the solution
Whether you are a husband, father, brother, uncle or granddad – we all have women in our lives that we love, and wouldn’t want to see subjected to violence. We all want our children to grow up in a happy, healthy environment and to go on to have happy, healthy relationships.
The campaign aims to change men’s attitudes and behaviours predominately through men talking to men, in ways that men understand. Men are role models for our children. We need to nurture a culture that encourages respect and rejects violence.
Like our White Ribbon Ambassador Ruben Wiki, we can play sports with controlled aggression, ride bikes and engage in physical activities, but we must not bring violence into our homes.
By simply wearing a White Ribbon, you can make it clear to other men that you do not tolerate violence against women.
You can also make sure your home, your business or your sports club is a safe environment where abusive behaviour is not tolerated.
The White Ribbon Campaign encourages men to talk openly about domestic violence, to break the silence around the subject. We encourage men to challenge comments, statements and actions that are abusive, and support those who wish to change their abusive behaviour.
Ambassadors
Ruben Wiki was the first White Ribbon Ambassador.
There are now some 30 Ambassadors including the Prime Minister.
White Ribbon Ambassadors are chosen for:
their support for the principles of the campaign.
their willingness to challenge the behaviour of abusive men.
their willingness to encourage others to do the same.
their commitment to conveying the messages of the White Ribbon Campaign to other men within their community.

Statistics in New Zealand:
In New Zealand most violence towards women takes place in the home.
In violence between couples, it is men’s violence that is most likely to cause serious physical or psychological harm.
An average of 14 women a year are killed by their partners or ex-partners.
There are over 3500 convictions recorded against men each year for assaults on women.
One in three women will experience partner violence at some point in their lives.

The Families Commission and White Ribbon Committee works with multiple agencies and NGOs to coordinate the national campaign. The White Ribbon campaign complements but is separate to the family violence It’s not OK campaign.

Rob McCann
White Ribbon Campaign Manager

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