Bill Dalton taps Colin Craig for new amalgamation study

Wed, Dec 04 2013

BayBuzz has confirmed that Napier mayor Bill Dalton will make a blockbuster double announcement on Friday.

First, we have learned that the Napier City Council will withdraw the controversial $43,000 anti-amalgamation report prepared by Australian Professor Brian Dollery, whose opinion was based on no firsthand interviewing in or understanding of Hawke’s Bay.

Reached at the Gin Trap, Mayor Dalton remarked, “It became untenable to argue the report was not a joke when Professor Dollery confessed he based his work on a visit to Hawke’s Bay Newfoundland in Canada. However, I want to reassure Napier ratepayers that council will not be reimbursing the professor’s travel or winter wardrobe expenses.”

Mayor Dalton was eager to shift his exclusive BayBuzz interview to a brighter note, making a second announcement.

“I am pleased to confirm that conservative politician Colin Craig has been commissioned by the Napier Council to provide a substitute anti-amalgamation report. Colin is no ordinary politician. He has a solid track record of asking the tough questions, challenging conventional wisdom.”  Mayor Dalton offered these examples of Mr Craig’s independent thinking …

He’s unconvinced that man has walked on the moon.

He believes global warming is a hoax contrived by air conditioning manufacturers.

He suggests that Israel masterminded the attack on the New York Trade Towers.

He’s convinced a palace imposter is masking the death 16 years ago of Queen Elizabeth II.

He’s a skeptic on the theory of evolution, offering himself as a case in point.

“I could go on,” Mayor Dalton noted, “All this is evidence of a wide open mind. Truly we have found a man with searching intellect to warn the people of Napier about the scourge of reorganisation.”

Reached for a comment, Mr Craig said: “I told Mayor Dolton [sic] that I could do this study in my sleep and the mayor replied, ‘That’s plenty good for the Napier Council … we have a deal.”

Asked if he would actually visit Hawke’s Bay as part of his study, Mr Craig replied, “I dunno. That might compromise my objectivity. Besides, I hear it’s pretty damn cold there in January.”

Tom Belford

ENDS

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