Creating A Happier Home For Bay Men and Their Families

Creating A Happier Home For Bay Men and Their Families

Mount Maunganui’s Dave Halligan once asked a friend at Women’s Refuge a simple question: ‘what happens to the men?’

The answer was ‘nothing’.

When women and children flee from violence or abuse in their homes, no-one was counselling the men or trying to find out what was going wrong in their lives.

So in 2010 Dave established Parenting For Men – an organisation dedicated to helping men of all ages resolve issues and problems in their lives so they can become better dads, partners and husbands.

“Men need more support in lots of areas. Our vision is that parenting is one of the pillars to achieving positive life outcomes. So if we can focus on the parenting skills of men, we can start to make progress in other areas like family violence, relationships and poverty.”

Dave Halligan, Parenting For Men

Help in the home

Dave receives referrals from a number of different agencies and has worked with around 60 men and their families over the past year. He visits clients in their homes as often as needed, and is available by phone or text message to offer support at any time of day. Some need intense engagement, and others less so.

“A calm, safe whanau environment is what it’s all about. The home is where the change has to happen so partnering with families in their home is a really important facet of what we do,” Dave explains. “My very first priority is to create a positive atmosphere. Once you’ve got the right environment you can move forward.”

A listening ear

Dave spends hours talking and listening with each man and their wider family, to help them problem solve, improve their parenting and communication skills, set goals and improve conflict resolution skills.

“Often it doesn’t take long to get to the heart of things. Most of the guys I work with haven’t had an adult male to talk to about these sorts of issues, so once we start it all comes pouring out. They just need to have their story heard. As men, we are notorious internalisers.”

Dave says his clients come from all walks of life and socio-economic backgrounds, and often have many issues coming at them from all angles – finances, relationships, employment, substance abuse, as well as parenting pressures.

Often, their overall life skills need attention first. By separating out each area and forming a plan to tackle problems head on, their lives become a lot more manageable. Dave also works closely with the men’s partners to help the couple become a more effective parenting unit.

“I’m almost like being an interpreter – translating man language to woman language and back again. If the couple can start to be constructive together and realise they’re on the same team, it makes a big difference.”

Building a network

This year BayTrust has given $15,000 to Parenting For Men to help Dave continue his work in the Western Bay of Plenty community. He plans to expand the organisation so other men can get involved as facilitators.

“We don’t spend money on anything other than our time with the families we’re trying to help and a little bit of petrol to get there.

“We want to be under the radar rather than have a huge public profile. We just want to get in there and do the work.”

Long-term change

Dave says although the issues can be complex, he’s always looking for simple ways to get big results.

The positive feedback he gets from individual families means he knows he’s on the right track.

“I’ve been working with one young couple in their early 20s who have a 1 year-old baby and another on the way. When I sat down with the guy he said to me ‘why haven’t other agencies asked me about this stuff before?’ He just needed to get his views and issues listened to, which then helped him feel part of the solution.

“And when I saw his partner recently she said ‘since you turned up he’s been much calmer and more considerate. It has changed the atmosphere and we are both more positive.’” And this is a common outcome.

“A peaceful and calm household. That’s the sort of result we’re looking for. That alone has a big impact on the outcomes for both adults and the children. Then we can get to work on their skill sets.”

The post Creating A Happier Home For Bay Men and Their Families appeared first onBayTrust.org.nz.

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