With Valentine’s Day celebration of love and romance just around the corner, family violence response service Shine is highlighting the importance of knowing some common signs that love is not love.

“Violence and control are not love - everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. When you are unable to disagree with anything your partner says, it’s not love. And it’s not love when your partner says ‘I want to spend every second with you’ and then stops you seeing your friends and family; or says ‘You’re my queen’ then puts you down in front of friends,” says Shine spokesperson Rachel Kain.

“When your partner controls who you see, what you wear, what you spend or they humiliate you, or verbally abuse you or physically hurt you, it’s not love.

“Family violence is not only physical violence. Controlling someone, threatening them, limiting what they do, insulting them, isolating them and humiliating them are all forms of family violence and are all dangerous.”

If your partner…

1. makes decisions for you
2. controls what you spend
3. decides who you can see
4. makes you feel bad about yourself
5. uses guilt to make you stay
6. keeps you from seeing friends and family
7. demands love and attention
8. stops you from doing things you enjoy
9. tells you that you are a bad parent
10. hurts you, your children or your pets

…it’s not love. It’s a form of control and is family violence.

“We can all help stop family violence by being aware of the signs, and offering support to get help without judgement,” says Rachel Kain.

Shine welcomes calls from anyone who is worried about their own situation or who is concerned about a friend, family member, child or anyone they know who might be experiencing family violence.

The Shine helpline receives thousands of calls every year from people needing support, information, advice and referrals to local services, and from people wanting advice about how to help someone they know who is experiencing family violence.

If you or someone you know needs help, the Shine Helpline on 0508 744 633 and webchat service are available 24/7 for people experiencing violence and their supporters.

When using the Shine website, you can click ‘Make a quick exit’ if needed.

About Shine

Shine works to make NZ homes violence-free. We provide a range of effective, practical and innovative services to achieve our mission to stop family violence in New Zealand. We directly help more than 1000 adults and children every year to become safer through our frontline services, and we indirectly help thousands more through our professional training programmes - Shine RESPOND in communities, the DVFREE programme in workplaces, and our health sector partnerships.

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