How To Discuss Your Kids’ Setbacks? University Study Investigates

A University of Auckland-led study investigated links between how parents discuss setbacks with their children and the children’s fear of making mistakes.

Published in the British Journal of Educational Psychology, the study analysed audio recordings of 231 conversations between mothers and their eight-year-olds about recent setbacks, such as a disappointing sports event, test, or class presentation.

Researchers looked at whether the conversations:

• Recognised the child’s emotions,
• Discussed a plan for managing the situation should it occur again, and
• Discussed different resources the child could draw on to help manage future setbacks.

“Surprisingly, many parents didn’t acknowledge their child’s emotional responses, and a few minimised them with comments like, ‘it was a silly to feel that way,’” says Dr Elizabeth Peterson of the School of Psychology at Waipapa Taumata Rau, University of Auckland.

The children filled in a questionnaire which included a question on how often they had felt a fear of failure in the past week.

In the study, lower levels of fear of making mistakes were linked to a specific combination of parental responses. Recognising the child’s emotions or discussing a plan alone wasn’t enough—in fact, only talking about a plan was associated with an increased fear of mistakes in the children.

Lower levels of fear were associated with the combination of emotion recognition, a plan, and a third element, a discussion of mother-child collaboration, such as saying, “you could put aside some time on the weekend to practise, and we could help you with the things you find hard.”

This combination of parental responses and, in particular, the focus on collaborative efforts, likely helps the child feel more supported, says Peterson.

The findings are suggestive rather than conclusive, since the statistical associations are relatively small and yet to be replicated.

“When parents talk with their kids about things that didn’t go as planned, they may be gradually building a framework for managing future setbacks,” says Peterson.

The study also highlighted that

• Most eight-year-olds (61 percent) reported that in the previous seven days, they had never or almost never reported a fear of making mistakes;
• Fourteen percent reported having this fear often or always in the last seven days;
• 40 percent of mothers either did not discuss or minimised their child’s emotional responses;
• Fifty-five percent didn’t discuss any action plan;
• Of mothers who mentioned some kind of resource, 53 percent focused only on what children should do by themselves next time the event happened;
• A small percentage discussed external supports such as teachers or coaches; and
• Only 17 percent discussed working collaboratively (things the child and the parent could both do to help next time).

Research is increasingly highlighting the benefits of viewing mistakes and setbacks as part of the learning process, Peterson says.

She notes that while a little fear can motivate, especially before a big test or exam, during the learning phase, mistakes and errors should not be stigmatised or feared.

“The problem is fear of mistakes often leads to avoidance behaviours, causing people to give up when learning feels difficult, stop taking part in activities to avoid being seen as wrong and ultimately missing out on opportunities that could enhance or deepen their learning,” she says.

Most of the conversations in the study lasted less than five minutes. “It seems that even very short conversations that parents have with their children about recent setbacks can matter,” says Peterson.

The data was drawn from the Growing Up in New Zealand longitudinal study of child health and well-being, which has followed the lives of more than 6,000 rangatahi and their families.

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