New handbook for NZ bereaved parents launched

Media release 28th March 2012

BEYOND WORDS
New handbook for NZ bereaved parents launched

Every year thousands of New Zealand parents are affected by the death of their own child. They may have died as a baby, child, teen or adult and their death may have been unexpected or due to a health condition.

Whatever the circumstances, Skylight, New Zealand’s leading trauma and grief support agency, knows too well the deep pain bereaved parents experience when their own child dies.

“Grief makes more demands on bereaved parents than most others ever realise”, says Tricia Irving Hendry, co-author of BEYOND WORDS and Deputy Chief Executive of Skylight.

“The death of a child is a heartfelt experience that’s really like no other. For many, it is a deep grief experience that goes beyond words.”

Many bereaved parents say that the only people who can ever genuinely begin to understand what it’s like for them are other bereaved parents. Hearing from others who have ‘been there’ can make all the difference, as one parent’s comment from the book sums up well:

The most irritating thing anyone who’s not a bereaved parent can say is, “Yes, I know exactly how you feel.” This drives me mad! How can they possibly know?

For this reason, Beyond Words is an innovative and practical handbook that brings together the honest words, perspectives and suggestions of many bereaved parents, from all over the country. It also offers useful information about managing grief, support options and ideas that may be helpful on the grief journey. It is comforting, encouraging and informative.

It will also provide understanding and insights to professionals and others seeking to effectively support bereaved parents they know.

“Through all the changes and grief that the death of their child brings – whatever their age - this handbook aims to give bereaved parents some choices,” say Tricia Irving Hendry.

Some of the anonymous comments by those New Zealanders who have ‘been there’:

My expectations of how others would behave weren’t realistic. Some disappeared pretty fast, because we were struggling and it got too hard for them. Others kept in touch every now and then, but tended to just judge us and give bad advice we didn’t want.

When I drove past the place of the accident each day (it was near our house) I used to shake and often had to pull over. I felt nauseous and I could hear the noises and ‘see’ the accident as if it’d just happened. I decided to find a counsellor (a first for me) and learned ways to remind myself that it wasn’t happening again and how to deal with this huge almighty trigger.

I don’t think a parent ever completely ‘recovers’ from or ‘gets over’ the death of their child. I think they gradually adjust to it as best as they can, always loving their child and holding a place in their heart for them. I certainly always carry a layer of sadness that my child’s not with me in person, but he is in my soul. Wherever I go, so does he.

When I hear that music I have to stop and catch my breath. It brings her back to me so fast...but then she’s not there. It can be very confusing.

Copies of the handbook are available from 0800 299 100 and www.skylight.org.nz

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