Scoop Satire: Moneychangers Chased from NZRFUKU

EDITORS NOTE: Scoop has commenced publication of satirical articles from the Babylon Express newspaper. Those easily offended and not often amused should avoid this content. See authors note at the end of this article for more information about the Babylon Express.

6. So the Players of Old went to find their lord & brother Pinecone Meeds upon the fertile hills of his farm, & thereby they wandered much, & after thus much wandering much thus, they came upon him in solemn prayer beside the flyblown rectum of a young virgin ewe.

7. And one of them spoke to him of their woes, saying pitifully: “Yea, they have made of us a mockery & a mockery of the Myth. We who gave them their history, who neither made nor bid for reward beyond the honour of representation, are now forced to sit in unsatisfactory seating behind pillars of stone & steel in windy stands. And lo, they have made of the new players false idols & golden calves, which would be alright if they could win anything important.”

8. And when he had listened to them in silence Pinecone motioned the Olden Ones to come closer, and closer then he spake to them thus: “See how the fly sows the maggot, and how the maggot thus burrows into the excrement that the beast itself produces. So has the Holy Union produced the grounds of it’s own corruption, and lo, its stench is mighty. And thus must it be drenched.”

When it’s drench you need & flyblown maggoty arses simply won’t do then don’t look any further than “Maggot-Strike Extreme”, new from Harder-Coffins Ltd. At just $29.95 a litre “Maggot-Strike Extreme” is the safest, cheapest, surefire way to blitz maggots before they blitz your valuable stock. “Maggot-Strike Extreme” New from Harder-Coffins Ltd.

9. So Pinecone and his disciples set out on foot for Wellington, and the journey did take 12 days and 12 nights & on their way did they meet many others who were disillusioned with the amount & quality of the once loved game that seemed to them now to have become but a whore & a harlot offering itself to any bidder of value.

10. And one elderly woman availed herself of Pinecone, weeping & wailing pitifully. So Pinecone took her aside & bade her sit, & then he spake to her thus: “Old birds & trampled flowers. Thus does time decide for us all. But I tell ye truly, these Twelve Tribes are but defilers of my Father’s Game, & their money is ashen upon my tongue.” And so appeased, the ancient one retired from Pinecone’s presence & died peacefully later on that day, just after lunch.

11. And when he arrived in Wellington Pinecone Meeds went straight unto the head offices of the NZRFUKU to talk to the leaders of the Holy Union about the debasement of his people.

12. But when he entered the offices he found there instead Public Relations Consultants & Media Consultants & Advertising Consultants & Television Executives & Player’s Managers & Sponsorship Representatives from banks & breweries & cereal manufacturers & footwear & clothing companies & they splayed their feet & lounged with disrespect beneath the framed photo’s of the ancestoral teams & about their feet was strewn with gold taken from the pockets of the worshippers who had been given no choice but to pay the prices set for them if they wanted to see any games at all. And an almighty, righteous wrath coursed through Pinecone’s veins when he saw what they had done to the Temple of his Administration.

13. So he overturned the tables of the moneychangers & the stools of those who produced the All Bucks Meat-Bix campaign & would not let anyone carry forth any contract, signed or otherwise, through the office foyer. And he discovered the administrators cowering behind great stacks of money & gold. And lo, they trembled as he addressed them thus:

14. “It is written in the Regulations that my Father said ‘My Game shall be a game for all people of all age & sizes & families to play and played shall it be for the love of the game.’ But ye have taken my Game & you have turned it into a well of materialism for hustlers & thieves! Ye have defiled the sacred legacy for your profit, & ye have sullied the innocent passion with your blackened eyes and bleeding tongues.”

15. And then Pinecone threw the flyblown ewe onto the table & turned his back on the corrupters of the Temple of Administration Offices to return to his farm whereby he sacrificed a calf & did masticate there at length upon a bloodied steak undefiled by pasta or salads of any sort.

16. And at the offices the chief administrators had heard his words of warning & trembled before his mighty wrath. But when he was gone they recalled the banished merchants & continued with thier constructive partnership based on principles of effective brand establishment and equitable shareholder renumeration. And the people did lap it up mightily, for the people were proud of their past.

© Scoop Media