Waiau Fandango: From The News Desk

Scoop presents a new satirical column, the Waiau Fandango News Agency, created by North Canterbury writer Nicholas Belton.

Waiau Fandango is a public Service news agency, dedicated to improving the health of the community.

Our mission is to help those unfortunate, or just simply spineless, individuals, who have become enslaved by their addiction to news media. While most people can happily watch the evening news, and occasionally talk about the newspaper with friends, others begin to develop the cracked, sweating, face of a determined worrier, tormented by visions of calamity.

Media addicts suffer from increased stress, random anxiety, unexplained guilt, hopeless morality and bed-wetting. In the final stages of addiction, the sufferer loses all contact with reality, refusing to believe anything that does not conform with their diseased imagination. Anti-social, unpopular, unproductive, insecure, the media addict, will never own a desirable car, never enjoy a well-balanced wardrobe, love Meg Ryan, or have reasonable insurance premiums.

What media addicts desire already exists, it is their desperate emotional life that prevents them from appreciating the symmetry and precision that pervades life. Waiau Fandango seeks out the finest moral examples to soothe these worried souls. We like to think of ourselves as the chocolate in the refrigerator of hope, the parking warden on the streets of sanity, the Pacifier in the mouth of instinct. We are committed to presenting the world as it actually is, to promote faith and trust in those worthy institutions and individuals that keep Today arriving- just like they said it would.

While we do our best to satisfy the many demands upon us to prove the obvious, we demand nothing from our audience. All we want you to do is stay exactly as you truly are- a magnificent resignation to reality. Try not to think-the brain is the most inefficient organ in the body, and desperately requires downsizing. Until the slack can be cut away, we urge you remain calm. As a simple exercise just try saying "Yes", to every question asked of you.

Now, doesn't that feel better? Let us join together and skip the Waiau Fandango....

Rugby

C.I.A operatives have arrested Australian rugby players Stephan Larkin, George Gregan and Matthew Burke, after an anonymous tip-off that they are members of a Muslim extremist group, Australians Against the Natural Order, (AUNO). The Pentagon has announced that air-strikes will proceed against AUNO training camps and support networks.

A representative from the New Zealand Rugby Union was quoted as giggling uncontrollably.

Vietnam

People who are still experiencing dioxin poisoning as a result of "Agent Orange" use during the Vietnam war, have been accused by the U.S State Department of being communists.

"Besides which", a spokesperson for the State Department said, " A golf tee went missing from Mr. Clinton's golf bag when he last visited. There can be no discussion until this piece of America is returned"

America

Responding to criticism that military spending is inefficient, Dick Chaney has announced that a Pentagon think-tank has developed the first generation of money that explodes on its own, without the need for transformation. Factories producing these Monetary Units with Destructive Capability (MUDC), are being built in Texas and Florida.

Science

In a tragic mix up, one of this first clients of cloning technology has given birth to a healthy lamb.

From the Hugh Heifner Intellectual Institute- Latest development in Missile Defense

"The next step in protecting our virgin land from the throbbing red-hot penetrations of the filthy foreign hordes is to stop those greasy fingers groping for the buttons. What we have developed here in the institute is an identification dye that differentiates the genes responsible for turning an adoring, compliant, consumer into a treacherous anti-American devil.

Sperm which contain the diabolical gene will glow bright pink, which is visible to our orbiting satellites. When the sperm are "launched", they can be tracked and then intercepted. Using the latest in smart-bomb technology, we will send a missile directly towards the oncoming sperm, to destroy them, and their launch vehicle. ( Viewers may find the collateral damage disturbing)

Reports indicate that Russia is beginning to develop it's own Missile Defense program. Details are still sketchy, but groups of conscripts have been seen on Russia's borders throwing empty vodka bottles skyward.

Feedback & submissions to nim.tick@xtra.co.nz.

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