Scoop Satire: Iraqi Post-War Candidates List

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United States President George Bush Junior continued to up the ante on arch-nemesis Saddam Hussein last night by releasing a list of potential candidates that may be called up to replace the Iraqi dictator if, as expected, he is deposed during the soon-to-be-released multi-military media extravaganza Gulf War II: Oil’s Well that Ends Welled.

Speaking at the Hollywood Bowl before a star-studded celebrity audience, while flanked by allegedly black US Secretary of State Colin Powell and lifelong white Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfield, Bush introduced the nominees:

“Ladies and gentlemen, (applause) it is with great (applause) pleasure (applause) that I (applause) announce here tonight (applause) the list of candidates (applause) for the role of future (applause) leader (applause) of (applause) a truly (applause) democratic (applause) Iraqi state (applause). And the nominees are…”

Mushmadd Sadeest

Quote: “Who needs electrode-wires when you’ve got some rusty pliers?”

Background: 48 years old. Once-trusted aide to Saddam who served with distinction torturing prisoners during the Iraq-Iran war. After war became one of Hussein’s most loyal (and feared) domestic agents. Known throughout Baghdad as “Dr Toenail”. Defected in 1997 while serving as guest lecturer in Electrode Genital Management Techniques at the School of the Americas in Florida.

The Whitehouse says: With a distinguished civil-service career already behind him, and an extensive local knowledge of the hiding places of the Iraqi people, Sadeest’s force of personality and uncanny ability to encourage constructive dialogue makes him a strong contender as a source of regional stability in any post-Saddam era.

Expert commentators say: A definite frontrunner. While Sadeest’s alleged human-rights abuses are cited as evidence against him (The 1995 CIA Good Torturers Guide awarded him 5 Cigarette Burns – their highest rating), others such as New York Mail columnist ‘Uncle’ Thomas Freedman prefer to see the bigger geo-political picture: “Is he a sadistic murderous killer? Yes. Is he our sadistic murderous killer? Yes. So what’s the problem? That’s the way power works – the velvet-lined leather zip-up face-mask of capitalist democracy cannot flourish without the 18-inch hot rubber dildo of authoritarian force. Get used to it.”

Yomammas Killah

Quote: “I never liked a woman I didn’t rape”

Background: Age 57. A notorious warlord who has operated with Saddam’s permission for decades along the Iraqi-Turkey border, launching regular raids against the Kurds of that area. Raped his mother at the age of 8 and went on to accumulate considerable wealth smuggling heroin for the CIA. A self-styled ‘ladies man’, Killah has taken many wives. Occasionally returns them.

The Whitehouse says: This administration is committed to the emancipation of the womanly gender in this region. Yomammas, a force for positive change in the so-called ‘Kurdish’ region through his non-partisan, so-called ‘burn and pillage’ campaigns, has shown himself equally committed towards female liberation. Many women toiling under the yolk of an unhappy marriage have already been emancipated and given new employment opportunities tending to the needs of Killah and his troops. A very real potential source of stability in the region.

Expert commentators say: Another frontrunner. His good track record so far subcontracting for the CIA and his devout religious beliefs have resonated strongly with key players within the equally holy Bush administration. His tendency to attempt to rape any woman he meets may count against him with the more liberal elements in Congress, but, as Washington Express columnist William S. Fire cannily points out, “enough of the old-guard deep-south Republican party members come from a long line o’ nigger-raping – and lynchin for that matter. Yep. Ah reckons ol’ Yomammas could be jest the darkie we been looken for - an you can shit in mah pants yourself if I be wrong ‘bout that, hoo-yah!”

Libral Librahl

Quote: “I believe in the potential for Iraqi society to move itself forward into a true parliamentary system that is both culturally and religiously tolerant.”

Background: 45 years old. Originally from the poorest outskirts of Baghdad, Librahl has vast experience in many fields, from working as a labourer in Iraq’s oil refineries to being a legal advisor for Iraq’s political prisoners. Fearing for his life, he escaped to London in 1992 where he worked as an agent for Amnesty International as well as raising funds for Iraq’s jailed political dissidents. Librahl was reportedly only included on the candidate’s list at the insistence of a number of European governments.

The Whitehouse says: While President Bush welcomes all parties who are able and willing to work towards reconstructing what we are happy to predict will be an absolutely shattered to the splintered bones of its being Iraq, there nevertheless remain concerns about the possible ideological bias of this candidate. It is time to move on from the old ideological conflicts of the past century. However, in the unlikely event that Mr Librahl is appointed leader of a post-war Iraq, he can be assured that this administration will be keeping a very very close watch on his actions indeed. You hearing us Librahl?

Expert commentators say: A dark horse candidate, Librahl’s professed desire to see an independent, genuinely democratic Iraqi state will count against him in the eyes of those seeking a more ‘graduated’ introduction to freedom for the Iraqi people. Most debate over Librahl has instead centred on how long he will be allowed to live if appointed to power. The New York Mail is currently offering 4/1 odds on Librahl being shot in the street within 3 months, while Time magazine believes a carbomb within 5 months at 5/2 a more realistic and aesthetically pleasing option.

Jasper, the Talking Dolphin

Quote: “Hello everybody – I’m Jasper, the talking dolphin.”

Background: 7 years old. Caught in dragnet while only 2 months of age. Was set to be turned into tuna-chunks until Lisa Lovely, an observer aboard the boat that caught him, begged the captain to spare his life. She then took Jasper to her eccentric marine-biologist father who had for years harboured a dream of communicating with aquatic mammals. After extensive dental reconstruction and thousands of hours of speech therapy, Jasper was introduced to a very stoned scientific commune in 1999 – whereupon he was immediately seized by the US Navy as constituting a threat to National Security. His resurfacing on the list of possible candidate’s is the first that has been heard of him since.

The Whitehouse says: President Bush firmly believes that the best way to ensure our unique life-giving ecosystem prospers is not by indulging in the games of blame so favoured by environmental extremists. The old ideological battles of last century are gone. The time has come to instead encourage so-called ‘endangered species’ to take a more pro-active role in day-to-day affairs. With this bold nomination, the President believes that Jasper, the talking dolphin, will serve as a valuable role model to other aquatic mammals to move on from relying on fishy hand-outs, and begin contributing in a more positive fashion to eliminating Evil. Especially Underwater Evil – an Evil with which the President is particularly concerned.

Expert commentators say: Once they have got past saying “What the fuck?”, most commentators have expressed similar concerns regarding the possibility of Jasper, the talking dolphin, assuming ultimate legislative power in a post-war Iraq. Mother Janes columnist Christopher Kitchens summed these up: “1) – Iraq is for the most part a desert country, with very little coastline. Jasper, the talking dolphin, will soon find himself isolated in such unfamiliar surroundings. 2) - Chances are the starving post-war population of Iraq are going to take one look at this large mammal floating in a watertank and break out the shish kebabs. 3) – In Navy tests, Jasper caught 39 fish in his mouth consecutively. President Bush’s record is only 18. One wonders whether the US Commander in Chief will be comfortable dealing with a mammal more skilled than himself in this crucial area. 4) – Despite thousands of hours of speech training, all Jasper, the talking dolphin, ever actually learned to say is ‘Hello everybody – I’m Jasper, the talking dolphin.’ Impressive perhaps, but hardly the sort of rhetoric required of an elder statesman in a war-torn country.”

Jim Carrey

Quote: “He who hesitates, masturbates”

Background: 42 years of age. Born in Canada, Carrey began performing stand-up routines in Toronto clubs before Rodney Dangerfield caught his act and invited him on a comedy-club tour of the US…and the rest is pure magic cinematic history!

The Whitehouse says: The President is great fan of Jim Carrey’s inspired slapstick routines, especially from some of his earlier movies. However, the increasing complexity and sophistication that this fine thespian has been bringing to recent roles prompted the President to consider him an ideal candidate to re-unite a war-ravaged Islamic country. After an all-night Jim Carrey movie marathon attended by President Bush’s most valuable advisors as well as the Joint Chiefs of Staff, it was agreed that Carrey now possessed a natural gravitas well-suited to complex political negotiations, while losing none of the impish charm that will be sure to win him a whole new host of fans in this troubled, starving, disease-ridden region of death and despair.

Expert commentators say: Without a doubt the ‘people’s choice’, but doubts remain as to whether ebullient Carrey will be able to restrain his natural ‘wacko’ side enough to convincingly lead Iraq from the ashes of authoritarian despair into a brighter, pseudo-capitalist tomorrow. Recent performances in movies such as The Truman Show, Man on the Moon, and The Majestic boded well. However, in a recent test-trial meeting with a select group of Islamic holy men, Carrey broke into an impromptu performance of his infamous ‘talking arse’ routine from Pet Detective to tell the Mullahs - via his ‘talking arse’ - that the United States was wholly committed to upholding the tenets of Islamic culture with full respect and all due tolerance. Afterwards, even Carrey had to admit - “Oh man, they were tough.” Nevertheless, this talented, versatile actor has overcome far tougher audiences, and there is no doubt that whether they be orphaned children with missing limbs dying of malnutrition and radiation poisoning in Iraq, or overweight cola-addled hamburger-cretins from Inbred, Kentucky, Carrey will continue to delight and amaze us all, no matter what the role, for many wonderful years to come!

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