Terrorism Traders Take Huge Losses In Single Day

It was mayhem on the trading floor when word came that the online Terrorism Futures Market would be shut down after only one day of trading. The CIA had little time to call off the coup and assassination plots designed to create an alternate source of revenue for the Agency.

Des Moines, IA.--Hubert Willard, 67, former deacon of the Crestwood Baptist Church, lost his life savings last week in search of a jihad jackpot on the Defense Department's short-lived and much-maligned Terrorism Futures Market.

Willard said he heard about the online futures exchange while having his ritual sausage and biscuit breakfast sandwich at Vern’s diner.

“I was looking through the paper during my morning constitutional and saw the headline about the online futures market,” said Willard, who now lives beneath an underpass on the outskirts of town. “I’m darn good with a crossword puzzle and I’m a wiz at jumbles, so I thought I’d probably be pretty good at predicting when the president of Syria would catch a bullet to the head.”

Some of the possibilities the online market offered for sale were the overthrow of the King of Jordan, the assassination of Yasser Arafat, and a missile attack by North Korea. Bidders would profit if the events for which they held futures occurred.

Hubert Willard of Des Moines, Iowa got in over his head when he predicted the second coming of Christ would coincide with the fall of Baghdad.

Logging onto the web site, Willard entered his name and began to make predictions on everything from the possible assassination dates of Middle Eastern leaders to when a red heifer would be born in Israel signalling the coming of Armageddon.

“I got cocky," Willard said. I should have stuck to what I know, which is chickens."

The terrorism futures exchange drew fire from Republicans and Democrats shortly after it was announced by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) and was quickly shut down. However, during the eight hours of trading that took place before it was taken offline, Willard, countless CIA spooks, and thousands of foreign policy wonks managed to lose their asses in the exchange.

"We had already hatched a scheme to plant WMD's in Iraq," CIA operative Hank Chalmers said. "It was going to be a bonanza for me. It was a sure thing until the politicians got involved."

Aspiring Palestinian suicide bomber Ahmed Saul Hamzi said he was planning on making millions of dollars for his family by predicting the exact time and place that he would blow himself up in a crowded Jerusalem market.

"I could have been in eternal bliss with my 70 virgins in heaven by now and my family could be living like kings if only the futures market would have stayed open just two more days," he said. "This is just another example of why America is the Great Satan."

Stock traders were giddy with anticipation for the next unspeakable human tragedy.

Overcome with forecasting fever, Willard cleared out his life savings and invested the whole $43,000 lump sum into the market.

“I knew there was no way that I could pay for it, but I just had a gut feeling that Crown Prince Abdullah was about to bankroll a terrorist plot against us American infidels,” he said. "I do read the newspaper, you know. I had better than even odds that was about to happen."

By five o'clock in the afternoon, on the very day it opened, liberal whining about the online terrorism futures market had grown to such a shrill pitch that DARPA was forced to abandon the idea.

"I am just outraged, outraged that this was even being considered," Sen. Tom Daschle (D-North Dakota) said. "I would even go so far as to call this proposed trade in terror outrageous."

But for those who hung their hopes on the exchange for a better life, its closing was a setback. Willard sat beneath the underpass, homeless and hungry, but still optimistic about his future.

“A fella' can make some pretty good pocket change if he knows the right corner to stand on. Hey, that ain’t a rat is it?,” he said licking his lips.

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