Satire: DLC Says Only Bush Can Defeat Bush In 2004

Washington, D.C.-- The Democratic Leadership Council (DLC), the conservative wing of the Democratic Party, has decided that the best person to run against President George W. Bush in the 2004 election is…George W. Bush.

“There are many liberal elitists who say that you can’t beat George Bush by being Bust lite and we at the DLC agree. To beat George W. Bush, you actually have to be George W. Bush,” said DLC Chairman Evan Baugh.

The conservative DLC has been dismissive of the eight-candidates vying for the party’s candidacy in particular Gov. Howard Dean of Vermont, who the DLC sees as potentially sounding the death knell for the democrats if he should win the party’s nomination.

“I’m sure he’s a nice but Dean’s head looks like a block of granite and when he smiles the guy looks like Dr. Kevorkian plus let’s admit that the anti-war thing doesn’t help. Americans love war,” Baugh said.

The DLC, whose past chairs include President Clinton, have taken a more conservative approach to addressing issues than traditional Democrats. In the last few months, they have released dire warnings about the party moving too far to the left.

CAPTION: At least Bush doesn't have to share stage time with Kucinich. .

At the January Caucus in Iowa and New Hampshire, the DLC plans on announcing that the Democratic candidate most likely to beat George W. Bush would be George W. Bush.
“We’ve already spoken with him and although he isn’t technically a democrat, President Bush said that he would be proud to carry our banner if he should win the nomination,”said DLC Vice-Chair Ellen Tauscher.

Asked about accepting the Democrat’s nomination Bush responded “That would be friggin’ cool.”

President Bush has already gone on the stump for the Democrats in the battle ground states.

“Another four years of President Bush would be dangerous,” President Bush said. “If you send me to the White House, I promise I’ll send the Washington lobbyists running with their tails tucked between their legs. Our president needs to go back to Crawford.”

Two hours later, at a Republican fundraiser, President Bush decried the class warfare tactics of his opponents.

“My opponent, Bush, claims that if he is elected President that he will lower taxes even further, well that sounds like fuzzy math to me,” he said to boisterous cheers.

The Democratic presidential candidates quickly went on the defensive to attack Bush as not having the credentials to take on Bush in the primary.

CAPTION: Jeb is counting on his brother's reelection to piggy back him to the White House. Dubya is counting on Jeb to 'deliver' Florida in 2004.

“He’s a rookie,” said Joe Leiberman. “Just because I’m short and Jewish the DLC doesn’t want me. Well, I have more conservatism in my little toe then this faker does in his whole body.”

General Wesley Clark responded that he had a full two months more of being a democrat than Bush did.

“I just don’t know if he has been a Democrat long enough.”

Gov. Howard Dean blew a gasket and challenged Bush to a bench pressing competition.
John Kerry rode up on a Harley, hopped off his bike to “No Surrender” and proceeded to tell the DLC to kiss his ass.

A national poll shows that Democrat Bush is beating Republican Bush by three points. General Wesley Clark is running 2 points behind that. Without the word General in front of his name Clark loses a full 23 percentage points.

Straggling at a meager 5 percent, John Edwards has decided to start calling himself General John Edwards.

Clinton’s people are working with Bush to give him wider appeal to minorities and labor voters.

“First of all, we got to cool you up,” Clinton said. “Have you ever heard 'Sketches of Spain' by Miles Davis? Dig on this for a while. Here’s a copy of 'On the Road' and we’ve got to do something about your hair, maybe a little duck tail. And cut the Jesus stuff. Nobody buys it when it comes out of your mouth. It makes you look crazy.”

Baugh is optimistic.

“I think we really have a shot at retaking the presidency with him as our candidate," he said. "Too bad another four years of Bush as president is sure to result in Armageddon. But at least we'll be in control when that happens."

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