Clean And Sober Rush Limbaugh Still An Asshole

New York-- Those close to conservative shock-jock Rush Limbaugh say unlike many addicts who reevaluate their lives following drug and alcohol treatment, Rush is still the same closed-minded, race-baiting, male chauvinist homophobe he's always been.

David Limbaugh said his older brother's brain may be free of prescription medication, but his heart is still full of hate.

"He's learned a lot about himself and it's been great for him, but he's still at core the same person. Not only is he not a liberal but he's still got the same morally bankrupt personality," he said. "So yeah, he's still a complete jerk."

Rush is scheduled to make his triumphant, drug-free return to radio today after spending a month and a half in drug rehab for his addiction to hydrocodone.

Dittoheads across the country couldn't be happier to have the same old Rush back after the six week hiatus, but friends and family members hoping for a noticeable change in tone from the outspoken critic of everything decent in the world were bitterly disappointed.

"I just thought it would be nice to be able to watch TV for once without him going off on some tear about the liberal media bringing about the fall of western civilization," Rush's mom complained. "For God's sake, the producers of 'JAG' do not have a liberal agenda."

CAPTION: Limbaugh is shown here before his drug treatment with a comfortably numb grin on his face--most likely due to the blue pills.

Rush's father, who draws a pension from Social Security, is sick of his son calling him a big government parasite.

"I paid into that fund for 58 years and I'll be damned if I'm going to feel guilty about collecting what's rightfully mine," he said. "Christ, I voted for Nixon, Reagan and both Bush's. I ain't no damned liberal. We were just hoping for a small crack in that rock head of his so we could try and have a civil conversation with him."

However, the pull in the opposite direction by the millions of loyal dittoheads that listen to him religiously and parrot back his shrill commentary to moderate and liberal friends, family members and co-workers on a daily basis was just too powerful for Rush to resist.

"If anything he's going to have to be even more conservative to prove to us that none of that touchy feely therapy turned him into a tax and spend liberal," Dittohead Jeff Scartoff cautioned. "If he even starts to cry on the air I swear I'll switch the dial to O'Reilly faster than you can say welfare-mom."

CAPTION: Based on Rush's own rigid views on drug use, he should be locked up and taught a hard lesson by his cellmate.

Limbaugh said he's up to the challenge.

"To tell you the truth, I've been too easy on all those blame-America-first liberals," he said. "That's one of the things I realized while going through detox. If anything I need to get back up on my pedestal and take an even harder line against all of the social progress of the last century."

Rush said his first crusade once back in his bully-pulpit will be to single-handedly dismantle the socialist public education system.

"School-aged children have been getting a free ride for too long," he said. "I will work tirelessly to ensure that only those who can afford tuition at private schools receive an education."

Liberals nationwide say they expected as much.

"We're talking about the king of trash politics here. Did you really think he was going to morph into a compassionate, caring...well, human being?" social worker Jean Patterson said. "The only chance of that happening is if he gets thrown in the slammer and becomes someone's girlfriend for a few years. Then maybe, just maybe some of that moral clarity will start to fade."

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