Satire: Why Isn't David Souter Dead? WH Transcript

PRESIDENT BUSH: Alright, gentlemen. You really screwed up this time. We have very serious business to discuss.

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: I know, George. Those damn Iraqis are going nuts on us. The assassination of our designated council leader. The beheading of Nick Berg. And those photos of the abuse. They've really hurt us. It's time we took action. Every media outlet that carried those photos needs to be shut down. We're going to crush these people once and for all.

KARL ROVE: We're taking steps to destroy CBS, Ted Koppel and all the other clowns that ran with that story. This won't happen again.

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: And Seymour Hersh, you can count your days.

ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Media use of photos of Iraqis tortured by American troops is an act of terrorism.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Whoa whoa whoa, guys. First things first. We'll deal with that Iraqi stuff in good time. I want to talk about what's really important. Why isn't David Souter dead?

JUSTICE SCALIA: You people promised me he'd be gone. I'm tired of dealing with his wimpy liberal ass. We need clarity on the court. David Souter is unconstitutional.

SECRETARY RIDGE: Justice Souter was mugged recently while jogging.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: And unfortunately, he lived. Whose responsibility was it?

JUSTICE SCALIA: All I know is, when I put you people in the White House I was assured I would not have to deal with any more liberals on the Court. These wimps waste my time. I want people like Clarence and Rehnquist around me. People who do what they're told when I tell them to do it.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Tony Tony Tony. I know. I know. I know. The contract was arranged. They just screwed up.

ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Allowing liberal Supreme Court justices to live is an act of terrorism.

JUSTICE SCALIA: Aside from the contract on Souter, you and I had a contract of our own, George. When I stopped the vote count in Florida in 2000, we agreed that four Justices would disappear from the Court by 2004. David Souter was at the top of the list.

PRESIDENT BUSH: You got your $10 million, Tony. Right on time. All five of you did. The other stuff takes time.

JUSTICE SCALIA: You promised I'd be Chief Justice.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, right now Tony, George W. Bush is the Chief of the World. That's me. You've done a lot for us, don't get me wrong. But...

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: You know, Tony, we at Halliburton make a really nice set of cement shoes. One size fits all.

KARL ROVE: Tony, how about next time Rummy goes over to Baghdad, you go with him. The Iraqis could use some instruction in jurisprudence. Just don't lose your head. ALL (except Justice Scalia): Loud, prolonged laughter.

JUSTICE SCALIA: A deal's a deal, George.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Well, we had a deal to make Izzadine Saleem head of Iraq, and look what just happened to him.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Who?

SECRETARY RIDGE: Izzadine Saleem was our designated head of Iraq. He was just blown up.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, did we do it, or did the Iraqis do it?

SECRETARY RIDGE: The Iraqis.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Damn, they are really a bunch of savage barbarians over there. Why can't we just get them Christianized. What's the goddam holdup?

JUSTICE SCALIA: It's time I got back to the Court. Clarence wants to review that Playboy case.

KARL ROVE: We've got a long list of decisions for you and Clarence to render, Tony. Once our next term's nailed down, the sky's the limit. You know that. You want the liberals gone, it's done. You want Rehnquist's seat, it's yours. We take of our people.

JUSTICE SCALIA: Thank you, Karl. I never doubted it.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Well, watch that temper of yours. With this damn First Amendment thing still hanging over us we're like a theater in a crowded fire. But once the election's over, or else we get rid of it, we've got to stick softly and carry a tire iron.

SECRETARY RIDGE: Mr. President, Colin Powell is at the door.

KARL ROVE: Beat it, Tony. This guy still has some funny ideas about an independent judiciary.

PRESIDENT BUSH: There's a secret door through the bathroom. We call it the Monica.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Put that list in your pocket.

JUSTICE SCALIA: Clarence wants some of those prison sex videos.

SECRETARY RIDGE: So does Ken Starr. He says Clinton's involved. He wants to go to Iraq and see for himself.

PRESIDENT BUSH: I hear he still gets horny over that Monica report.

KARL ROVE: I'll have them sent. Now get out of here. And give Clarence our best.

JUSTICE SCALIA: Thanks, Karl. You too, Dick.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Quack Quack.

SECRETARY POWELL: Was that Tony Scalia ducking into the bathroom?

PRESIDENT BUSH: Lighten up, Colin.

SECRETARY POWELL: I'm sure I saw Justice Scalia go into that bathroom. The Constitution is quite explicit on the need for an independent judiciary. If a Justice of the Supreme Court were to meet with you, especially with cases pending that involve you directly, it would be a terrible breach.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: What? Me lie? ALL (except Secretary Powell): Loud, prolonged laughter.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Actually, Colin, what's in that bathroom are those weapons of mass destruction. Why don't you go tell the UN?

SECRETARY POWELL: Well, we've had our differences, Mr. President. So I've come to tell you that I'm handing in my resignation.

KARL ROVE: Right. And Rummy here is going to work for Mother Theresa.

SECRETARY POWELL: You can mock me all you want, Karl. But these torture and sexual abuse scandals are way over the line. And now our designated leaders are being blown up. I simply cannot stomach any more.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Mother Theresa? Isn't she a country singer?

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Didn't seem to bother you in Vietnam, Colin. That massacre at My Lai that you covered up. Now that you're on top, are you getting squeamish?

ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: The Geneva Convention is obsolete. Mentioning war crimes as designated by the obsolete Geneva Convention is an act of terrorism.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Didn't Mother Theresa sing "Light My Fire"?

SECRETARY POWELL: I don't recall photos of sexual abuse coming out of Vietnam. I don't even recall stuff like this coming out of Nazi Germany. And I haven't read that the Geneva Convention was rescinded. What have we become?

KARL ROVE: Well, we've definitely taken a hit in the polls, Colin. They're showing Kerry up now. But we're about to spend $2 billion burying him. So I'm as worried about the Geneva Convention as I am about the Kyoto Accords.

PRESIDENT BUSH: You want the Al Ghraib videos, Colin? We're doing some up for...

KARL ROVE: We're about the flood the airwaves with a tidal wave of smear ads, Colin. Are you with us, or are you a terrorist?

ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: For a Secretary of State to resign in the middle of an election campaign is an act of terrorism.

SECRETARY POWELL: I've been a proud member of the United States military all my life. We are the nation of Washington and Lincoln, of Franklin and Jefferson. How can you sit there and quote me poll numbers when the proud heritage of a great nation is being destroyed?

KARL ROVE: We are well aware of the long-term damage this could do to America, Colin. Forcible sexual abuse is exactly what will most inflame the Arab world. That's why we're taking steps to put the blame where blame belongs: on the Jews.

COLIN POWELL: The Jews? Who in this room is Jewish?

PRESIDENT BUSH: I'm not. God told me I'm not. And I checked with my mother. But I think I was circumscribed.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: It's all set up, Colin. The neo-cons. Wolfowitz. Abrams. Kristol. They're going to take the fall. Why do you think we chose that kid from Pennsylvania to get his head cut off? Berg. Right.

COLIN POWELL: You set him up?

KARL ROVE: We scrounged up a bunch of freelancers and threw them in the jails for our Iraqi operatives to shop them around. Naturally they chose a Jewish kid.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: You really timed that one, Karl. They took his head off and got you the tape just in time to upstage the video show for those idiots in Congress. Fox and Rush lapped it right up. Even McCain fell for it.

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: Godammit, I'm not going back over there. You go yourself next time. Or send Colin.

SECRETARY POWELL: I have resigned. I'm not going anywhere.

KARL ROVE: We're on top of this, guys. The liberals are up in arms about the voting machines, but we've got enough leeway from Diebold to guarantee us the margin we need. We've got the media and the money to bury Kerry. We've got the Democratic Leadership Council on our payroll stabbing him away wherever necessary. We've got bin Laden coming out in October, along with some well-placed terrorist attacks. But the margins are still thin. We don't need a Secretary of State resigning before the votes are counted.

ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: Threatening the victory of George W. Bush is a sin against the Higher Father.

SECRETARY POWELL: What's this blame it on the Jews stuff. You told me to back Israel 100%.

KARL ROVE: We have a Christian fundamentalist movement in this country that loves Israel but hates Jews.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Just like everybody in this room.

ATTORNEY-GENERAL ASHCROFT: They all must come to Jesus. Not coming to Jesus is an act of terrorism.

KARL ROVE: So we play both sides. We get Sharon to inflame the Arabs. We pretend to back him to feed the Christian right. But when it's time to plant the cross, we're with them that gots the oil.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Prince Bandar is going to lower oil prices. He promised.

KARL ROVE: What wins elections is low gas prices. We've got them jacked up now. But watch over the next few months. People will remember they were high and then came down. And they'll thank us.

SECRETARY POWELL: Well, they haven't exactly dropped as we planned. We thought that Iraqi oil would drive down gas prices by now. Not exactly "Mission Accomplished," is it Karl?

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: You say "Mission Accomplished" again, Colin, you say them to the fishes.

SECRETARY POWELL: Are you threatening me?

KARL ROVE: You'd best plan to see this through to January, Colin. Yes, we've had some miscalculations. And your resignation is not about to be one of them. Just let me know what you want, we'll see what we can arrange.

SECRETARY POWELL: I don't want to be associated with mass-scale military sexual perversion like the world has never seen. I don't want to be associated with the destruction of 225 years of sterling American pride. I don't want to be part of the obliteration of the world's oldest democracy. I don't want to keep telling one vile lie after another.

KARL ROVE: Is this all something you didn't know about before you signed on with us?

SECRETARY POWELL: I had absolutely no idea how deep this went.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: What did you expect, a warning label? Karl and I broke in with Dick Nixon. We did the dirty work for Donald Segretti and G. Gordon Liddy. Can't you read?

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: You should've seen the look on Hillary Clinton's face when we showed those videos in Congress. I thought she was going to lose her lunch.

SECRETARY POWELL: They're screaming at us! The whole world is nauseated beyond belief! We look like a bunch of sick, lying, murderous psychos, killing and raping whoever we want for oil and Christian fanaticism. Now the Iraqis have blown up the guy you were going to have run the country. Is that your idea of public service?

KARL ROVE: So far, we can win this election. But it's tight. You resigning will throw off my timing. So forget it.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: You know, we at Halliburton have an interesting array of services we perform.

SECRETARY POWELL: I'm not afraid of you, Dick.

KARL ROVE: We're not counting on many black votes, but you'll take whatever we've got, and we need them. Plus some moderates. So we give you what we gave Tony. Ten million.

SECRETARY RIDGE: The latest economic indicators show that Japan, China and India will soon dwarf the United States in economic might. With the European Union on the rise the US will soon be a distant third---and a third world country. These military expenditures are gutting our economic strength as happened to Rome as it fell.

PRESIDENT BUSH: That's all history. We'll all be dead.

KARL ROVE: You're not going anywhere, Colin.

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: As leader of the US military, my assessment is we're going to need a lot more troops to secure those oil fields and lower gas prices by November.

PRESIDENT BUSH: The Saudis will do it for us, Don. But they want more beheadings. They loved how I ran our prisons in Texas. And now they see we're doing the same stuff in Iraq and they just can't get enough.

SECRETARY RUMSFELD: You fried 152 Texans, buddy. You could open a burger shop.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Rummy, I'll tell you what I've told the world. You're doing a superb job. Who do we attack next?

LEAKED WHITE HOUSE TRANSCRIPTS: INSIDE BUSH'S OVAL OFFICE, 2004-2002,
a satire by Lee Waters, will soon be available via www.freepress.org.

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