Kiwi Herald Digest: Hateful Gibson, Boozing Brash

Ground-breaking stories from the Kiwi Herald, award winning newspaper of the small but wonderful New Zealand community of Moenui. The town is the current holder of the Northern Region Best Kept Grass - or so says the website of the Kiwi Herald. So excited was Scoop at discovering these Carl Bernstein/Bob Woodward like reports - that are sadly too good to be true - we felt they needed to get beyond the good citizens of Moenui.

Included in this digest are reports on whether Israel can defend itself against Mel Gibson's anti-semitic outbursts by bombing his homeland (Oz) - plans to get rid of the Treaty of Waitangi and replace it with the a WW1 truce and an surreal account of a Kiwi riding the New York subway.

Give Up Gibson Or We Bomb Australia Says Israeli PM
NZ Parliament Dumps Waitangi Principles
Brash Confesses To Booze Binges
Kiwi Man Rides Out New York Heatwave

Israel threatened to extend its war for survival into Australia this morning following anti-semitic remarks from the famous Australian born actor Mel Gibson. The remarks from a drunken Gibson have dominated the US and Israeli media in recent days causing outrage. Israel reacted today by demanding that the Australia turn over Gibson or face 'targeted actions against known family members and other supporters of Gibson until he is given over to Israeli authorities.'

US officials have supported Israel's right to defend itself from hate-speech and incitement to violence. A State Department Official said that 'Mr Gibson is a leader in the popular media and the Christian community and his statements are dangerous in the extreme.'

Meanwhile Australian PM John Howard has told The Herald "The Australian Government is extremely embarrassed that the star of those great movies about the Aussie experience "Gallipoli" and "Braveheart" has made this terrible error of judgement. As in the case of the other Australian-born terrorist Hicks, we will co-operate to the utmost with the forces of freedom. I'm sure Australians will be thrilled to know that I have invited Condoleezza Rice to Australia to negotiate a quick settlement and play a couple charity concerts for peace at the Sydney Opera House. The more Chopin that woman plays the better world we make for our children."

NZ's Parliament today voted to remove all references to the Treaty of Waitangi from NZ law and replace them with references to the principle behind the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk. The Brest Litovsk treaty, through which Russia made peace with Germany, Austria-Hungary and Turkey in 1917 was described by supporters of the new bill as more appropriate to the NZ situation.

New Zealand First spokesperson Doug Woolerton who introduced the Bill said that the Waitangi Principles were confusing and complicated while the principle behind the Brest-Litovsk Treaty was simple. "Basically the principle of those who signed Brest Litovsk was 'bugger the treaty.' Woolerton told the Kiwi Herald

"When the Germans and their mates signed the peace agreement with Russia they had no intention of keeping to it. Within about three months the Turks invaded part of Russia and over the next few years it was bloody near a free for all."

Woolerton went on to explain that having "bugger the treaty" at the heart of New Zealand law would make life much simpler and would more accurately represent the intentions of the Europeans who signed the Waitangi treaty in 1840.

"In a funny way adopting the principle behind the Brest Litovsk Treaty as the basis for NZ law honours our European forebears."

National Party Leader Don Brash has stunned an audience with revelations of booze binges. Speaking to the New Zealand Association for Migration and Investment Dr Brash revealed that he opposed an open-door immigration policy saying that "diversity is like red wine: a little is good for you but too much too quickly alters your personality and can be thoroughly bad."

Dr Brash went on to say that he was speaking from experience and "what's more flat Lion Red may not upset your stomach but the taste of it when consumed upon waking is enough to make you puke."

Dr Brash told the clearly shocked audience that while his life as a bachelor eating corned beef sandwiches was well known his drinking habits at that time were less publicised.

"Frankly living alone in that cold flat, drying my smalls in front of a one bar heater and working all day with economists plunged me in to a depression from which only alcohol could rescue me. They were trying times but I learned a lot about life and alcohol. "

The audience were touched and moved by Dr Brash's shared wisdom.

"Childhood is like a good martini," he said. "It is a complex mix of bitter and sweet and can be bruised if care is not taken in the stirring."

"Sauvignon Blanc is like a student flat in Grafton. It can be cheap but invariably smells of cats pee."
Dr Brash said that whenever he sips champagne these days he recalls election night 2005.

"Early on the corks popped in anticipation of victory but by midnight the bubbles had gone and the champagne turned to an unsubtle chardonnay.

A New Zealand man is 'bagless, homeless and broke and having the time of his life' riding the New York subway during the city's heatwave. Frank Lush from tiny Moenui took refuge on the rail network yesterday to escape the 38 degree + heat that has engulfed the city since he arrived in the USA. Having already lost his bags in flight he has since lost all his cash and some credit cards on the subway.

"As soon as I stepped out of the airport I knew I was in trouble," said Lush. "I felt like I did the one time I tried out one of those Finnish saunas. Took me about two seconds to decide that I was a man of temperate climes and that Finns are a peculiar lot. I'm not talking anatomically here you understand. I very quickly did an Andy Haden dive for the door."

This time however relief was harder to find. Lush says he walked for several blocks after leaving the airport bus but knew he was in danger of expiring.

"I was melting. I tried going in to shops or banks to cool down but you can only spend so much time in ladies lingerie or the foyer of Chase Manhattan before someone enquires about your intentions."
Lush eventually joined hundreds of poor people and homeless who have taken to the air-conditioned carriages of the underground railway where you can ride all day or even longer on one ticket. The Moenui man is loving it.

"Its the best show in town I reckon," says Lush. "This is the best way to see New York- a moving public bar with an everchanging bunch of punters from every part of the planet."

"I didn't know there were so many places you could come from. So far I've counted 94. Its easy to tell the Americans though. They're the ones talking loud like they own the place."

When he reaches the end of one line Lush changes to another. In his report to the Kiwi Herald Mr Lush recounted some of his encounters on the subway.

"There are musicians everywhere like my mate Adama Dembele who plays a West African sitar and sings to raise money to get home and feed orphan kids, and the big Chinese opera singer at 51st street whose glorious voice echoes round the station like he was at Carnegie Hall. I hand both some cash and tell them if they're ever in Moenui I can promise them a good crowd at the Masonic Hotel. "

Then there's the lovely woman from the Bronx. She gets on the carriage and greets me like an old friend. 'How good to see you Strauss,' she calls as she sits across the aisle. 'You've changed.'"

I call back 'Hello, but I think you have got me mixed up with somebody else.'

'No,' she says 'You were much older the last time I saw you that's all.'

'The name's Lush,' I say. 'From New Zealand.'

She shakes her head. 'What is the world coming to. First you get younger and then you change your name,' and then she starts to clap without sound.

She is clapping out a rhythm and staring like she's watching notes on a manuscript. She does this for two stops, occasionally shaking her head like she has it wrong and starting the clapping over again.

Finally when she gets up to leave she asks 'The quartet. Is it coming along Lush?'

'Not bad,' I say. 'Impossible in this heat though,' and I press a couple of notes into her hand. 'Here,'I tell her 'for some manuscript paper.'

"Every now and then there are other performances. A mexican guy who gets on near Central Park thinks he is John Lennon's restless spirit and calls the rest of us passengers all sorts of bastards for doing nothing about the current wars. I feel guilty, say that I love his work, press a note or two into his sweaty palm and move to another carriage."

"Then there's the boy who enters a silent carriage and shouts 'Ladies and Gentlemen, Your attention for a moment please.' The rest, which lasts about 2 minutes I don't understand a word of and I reckon he doesn't either cause he makes no eye contact and looks like he can't wait to get his speel over with. I figure there is a Dad or a boss somewhere who this kid is trying to please.

He finishes, heads for the door and I chase after him. 'Well done m'boy,' I say and give him a couple of notes. 'Go buy yourself an ice cream and a copy of Whale Rider.'
Lush says he's had conversations with 'drunks and junkies, utra orthodox Jews with bowler hats and ringlets and women wearing the veil.' He's discussed the NBL with 'a bunch of jive-talking black guys who made me laugh like hell when they talked about their team's terrible season and who laughed at me when I told them about how the Tall Blacks had beaten the Boomers.'

Lush says he has given away all his cash. He also donated his Farmers Card to a Columbian woman who used to harvest coca and his membership of the Moenui RSA to a Gulf War veteran.

Mr Lush figures he will last a day or two more on the subway and then ring his son who is due in town to get married.

"I reckon I've got about ten new songs, a string of multi-lingual curses, a few prayers, some cheap drink recipes and some bloody good yarns to share with him," says Lush.

"Trouble is he'll think I'm bullshitting."

ENDS

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