Kiwi Herald – Weekend Edition

Ground-breaking stories from the Kiwi Herald, award winning newspaper of the small but wonderful New Zealand community of Moenui. The town is the current holder of the Northern Region Best Kept Grass - or so says the website of the Kiwi Herald. So excited was Scoop at discovering these Carl Bernstein/Bob Woodward like reports - that are sadly too good to be true - we felt they needed to get beyond the good citizens of Moenui.

Pakeha Carry 'Love Gene'

A day after a genetic scientist announced that Maori carry a ‘Warrior gene’ another scientist has revealed that people of European descent are carriers of a gene that promotes caring. The gene which has been labeled ‘the gene of love’ pre-disposes those who have it to ‘be motivated by feelings of kindness and love of humanity.’

The brilliant Moenui scientist Joe Mengele, who specializes in the breeding of finches, has been ‘mapping the human genome as a hobby for about sixteen weeks’ made his claim when speaking on Radio Moenui to ace interviewer Katherine Ryan.

Mr Mengele told Ms Ryan that “historically the survival of Christianity was really down to the existence of the ‘gene of love’ in European peoples. They were predisposed to take on Christ’s teachings and take it to the world. In doing so they also shared with other peoples the benefits of Western technology and political economy.”

Despite the laser-like questioning of Katherine Ryan Mr Mengele was able to explain away apparent contradictions.

“The horrors of colonialism, the slave trade and the apparent propensity of Europeans to indulge in genocide involving the death of millions even in the current century, can be explained as a hyperactive love gene. “As we all know you can have too much of a good thing, and too much caring can result in rogue behaviours.

Dedication to socialism for instance is a consequence of caring for your fellow man to a dangerous level. Stalin cared deeply for the welfare of his people, so much so that he found it necessary to exterminate 30 million of them. The current booming sex slave industry in Europe is an indicator of a society that loves too much.”

Meanwhile the Kiwi Herald can report that in response to yesterday’s report that Maori are carriers of the ‘Warrior gene’ Cullen Sports has begun a ‘fire sale’of league players to English clubs and has signed an agreement with several iwi who will supply replacement players to the New Zealand Warriors franchise

World Exclusive

Rumours and speculation rife in the USA suggesting that Secretary of State Condaleeza Rice is romantically involved with George W. Bush are false but there is strong evidence that the Secretary of State is a Hizbollah agent.

The rumours of love between the dynamic duo were boosted when 'Condi' made what was labelled 'a slip of the tongue' while at a society dinner in Washington. During dinner conversation the unmarried Rice was heard to say “As I was telling my husb—” before stopping abruptly and then continuing, “As I was telling President Bush.”

Reports in the New York Times and elsewhere described how jaws dropped around the table and speculation erupted that Condi's weekends with Dubya and Laura were not only about putting out the fires of passion erupting all over the Middle East.

However in a report set to rock the world Kiwi Herald correspondent Frank Lush who is currently in New York revealed that Ms Rice did not actually say "As I was telling my husb-"

What she actually was heard to say was "As I was telling my Hizb-"

Mr Lush who describes himself as 'a student of human frailty' has spent the last week studying the American psyche, first on the New York subway and then 'in a hotel room with 52 channels of the most appalling television you can imagine.'

"It's all pretty obvious to an outsider that the husband interpretation is rubbish. Watching this brilliant woman on TV day after day you can see that there is no way she is interested in the Bush boy in a romantic way. Hell what would they talk about? Geography? Some brother on the Metro told me that it was Condi told Dubya that Lebanon was not an organisation for gay women wanting to go straight."

Lush believes that what 'Condi' almost said at the dinner was "As I was telling my Hizbollah friends."

"It was almost a fatal slip up," says Lush "but the Washington press was conditioned by the Clinton years to think that women in the White House are only interested in one kind of undercover work. They jumped to the wrong conclusion."

"My Hizbollah theory makes more sense every day," says Lush. "After all Condoleeza has been driving policy over the current shambles in Lebanon. Her policy has been perfect for them. Hizbollah has become the terrorist organisation of choice throughout the region.

Watch the marches in Gaza and Iraq and Syria. Hizbollah leader Nazrallah is the Arnold Schwarzenegger of Muslim youth. Mark my word: Hizbollah has not been seriously damaged by the current war. They have an endless supply of recruits and access to arms. Condi's policies have ensured this."

Lush says that he is still doing the research but is developing a full theory.

"A few more days in front of the box and then a day or two of action research with the brothers and sisters sleeping on the steps of the 1st Baptist Church and I reckon I'll have it sussed," says Lush.

"There are two things I have to match up. One is Condi's history. She grew up in Alabama when things for coloured folk were pretty grim. Her kindergarten friend was killed by a KKK bomb. She was a child prodigy at the piano and sharper than a tack at Uni."

"Thing Two is the fact that she is now in the White house with a bunch of red neck white guys. It does not add up."

"My contention is that Condi is an undercover member of the Nation of Islam, the radical African American organisation. In the same way a Chopin sonata sneaks into your head and stays there Condi has infiltrated the white house as part of a grand plan. Come 2008 she may become the first Black Muslim President of the US of A."

Lush says that that even if his theory "turns out to be a load of crap it makes as least as much sense as the news commentaries on TV here. Besides its a bloody good story aye."

ENDS

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