Mark Bradley: The Devil with Training Wheels

Dear Scoop Editors:

I read the following letter-to-the-editor in my local newspaper this morning, and thought your readers would find it interesting:

I would like to add my soft-spoken, but silver-tongued voice to the chorus of outrage that has been expressed throughout this great country of ours over the disgusting remarks uttered at the United Nations by that tin-horn dictator and misleader of his own people, Hugo Chavez. How dare he imply that George W. Bush and the Devil are one and the same! It is an insult beyond endurance, and I for one have no intention of standing idly by, and letting that sort of spurious comparison go unchallenged…

Let me start by saying, “I know Satan. Satan is a friend of mine. And you, Mr. Bush, are no Satan. Let’s face it pal, you couldn’t cut it as a special teams incubus, or even a backup ground mechanic for a squadron of flying monkeys. You simply lack the requisite attention span, and I don’t mean that as a put-down.”

No, in the unimaginably vast and unfathomably bloodthirsty army of evil that my man Beelzebub is preparing to unleash on the world (all except America, of course, where he plans to build a state-of-the-art embassy and a dozen or so permanent bases), George W. Bush is no more than an anaesthetized troll dragging a spiked club, driven ploddingly onward by the persistent lashing of his snarling, leather-clad handler, Dick Cheney. If the two of them were to wander off the thorny path of perdition and accidentally fall into a sulfur-spewing volcano (which, believe it or not, they’ve actually done on more than one occasion) it would put no more of a crimp in Our Satanic Majesty’s plans for world domination than if, say, Ann Coulter or Michelle Malkin were to be dowsed with a bucket of water (unfortunate, perhaps, but hardly debilitating for the cause). Such occurrences are nothing more than a “comma” for Our Beloved Prince of Darkness. He plans to “stay the course” for, well, pretty much eternity, and the only “cutting and running” he’ll be doing is “cutting” your throat and “running” his pitchfork through your solar plexus.

But beyond this, to compare George W. Bush to the Devil is like comparing the ammonia clouds of Venus to a three-year old pissing his pants. It’s not really the same thing, now, is it? Bush has killed maybe, what, ¼ million people tops? Gimme a friggin’ break! The guy’s a dilettante. Come see me when he’s up in the billions. Then we’ll talk…

So, please, Mr. Chavez, no more unfair characterizations. They strain credulity, and poison the public discourse. And just to let you know we’re serious down here, remember, we’re closer to the oil than you are. So try and be nice, O.K.?

Sincerely,

Karl [aka “Satan’s Minion”]

P.S.: We thought about threatening to boycott Citgo, the way 7-11 did, but we figured you’re smart enough to recognize that as an empty gesture. As you are no doubt aware, we are at the moment heavily invested in Exxon Mobil, and inasmuch as we are thoroughly satisfied with the way they do business up there on the surface, that’s not likely to change anytime soon.

P.P.S.: Satan asked me to tell you he would appreciate it if you would address all future correspondence to: Suite 666, 1001 Pennsylvania Ave., NW, Washington, DC 20004-2505, as we are now a subsidiary of the Carlyle Group.

Mark W. Bradley is a schoolteacher and political satirist in Sacramento, California. He can be contacted at: markwbradley@comcast.net.

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