A Sentimental Woman

The busy crowd of people escaping from themselves on the roads. I long to commit happiness everyday. Or, go somewhere to far away so that only my dreams and these sentimental imaginations would remain with me and may get a long relief of life, of imagination. I have been happy because of the stinging of the answerable questions that are inside me with any solution. Gradually, I am getting mantled in every moment. I could not take the correspondence with her in an easy way, so the relationship that we had from the very first days of youth now has ended up to be exchanged with these lazy days.

Really, she always put down such dry and frightening words in her letter, and a long silence drops down in my circumference. A long void feeling falls upon me and being able to tolerate I happen to befriend with the dust of the road. The ceaseless line of motors and the noises of a crowd of frustrated people keeps teasing at me. I keep walking, and at the walls, I try to search the meaning of her. To feel belief towards myself might be my strength. I am trying to find destination for her. That's the reason there is similarity between me and a crow in cloud.

I know, she has said that there are varieties of purposes life. Of course, knowing my feeling she has showed the reality, though in this long period of years to herself remained disputable in the preserve category. And I feel she will escape from these in the same way from where a definite journey of life gets to an end. Form then the sentimental days may begin and as those past days, we shall have to spend for long years separately, on one's own.

Sometimes I wish I would finish off at once all these opportunist situation, selfish thought, and the absurdity of life, but the constrain is in fate and in feeling too. Days are being gone within this room doing nothing. Everywhere there are frustrations, sadness and gloom.

My clean heart can't believe completely that she may distance from me, like this and stop writing. How long should I sustain a sad life living in the ruined castle of imagination? These days, I have begun to be afraid with the shadows of men and with the opportunistic thought of them. Everywhere there are deceitful crowds, cheating and only vulture eyes, failure and tragedy! Oh, what kind of painting is this of the great painter?

Those days were important when we used to spend long hours usually talking about things like, struggle in life. She used to make clear within few words about revolution, change, and economic problems. We used to forget the words of love there and the debate about economic problem, stood strong before us. Then after we have been sad and despair, we used to write poems about life, until the evening. In many parallel ways of life, many poems of our own might have been written, torn, burnt and thrown away too.

Not becoming able to write anything about her, about myself and about our friendship, and getting all the way turmoil in absurdity in these days, I have been exaggerated even with poems, for these might renew the wound.

I see birds flying up to the far distance, they have a definite destination. I had thought at that time while she had written, "friends always goes for the things which are easy, near, sweet, and beautiful. But one might never be satisfied only in the fulfillment. She continuously wants the same thing in various new forms. "Why? Perhaps there is no any definite borderline of easiness. So, there is no definite definition of limitation to say how much is to be Ok for whom? Of course, definitely our lives are in remote, confusing and uncomfortable state, nevertheless, we are obliged to except it.

While I am writing, my heart became eager to listen to these of mountain, hill and falls, and all the crying and happiness. And in that sentimental moment, despite there are many dissimilarities between us, I am inclined to search similarities, where a story of our friendship could be written on the course of living and a bit more happiness could be found in the name of living.

Journalist and Story Writer Kamala Sarup associates and writes for www.mediaforfreedom.com. She is a regular contributor to United Press International - Asia News. She is specializes in in-depth reporting and writing on peace, anti-war, women, terrorism, democracy, and development. Some of her publications are: Women's Empowerment in South Asia, Nepal (booklets); Prevention of Trafficking in Women Through Media, (book); Efforts to Prevent Trafficking in for Media Activism (media research).

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