Julie Webb-Pullman: New Epidemic in Latin America

A new epidemic has broken out in Latin America. Unlike your average virus, the latest outbreak is unique in that this new mutation appears to kill only others, while leaving the ‘source’ of the infection apparently unharmed. Although epidemiologists are still out on whether this signifies merely carrier status, or a genuine case of “Ahí Me Las Den Todas,”[i] they are in complete agreement that there is currently no vaccine, no miracle cure (such as a daily dose of the democrats), nor even a genetic protective factor, such as black skin.

Complicating outbreak control is the fact that the ‘source’ doesn’t even have to be in the same country to successfully infect millions of ‘victims’, as the index case, Honduras, illustrates. The subsequent appearance of the mutation this week in Paraguay has the Centre for Disease Control scrambling to come up with rational and compelling advisories, given the disease’s apparent ability to leap borders quicker than Lassie can run home, and the World Health Organisation is expected to determine its pandemic status within hours.

Disease progression itself is neither slow, nor subtle. It is characterised by putrid eruptions resulting in debilitating loss of healthy function of adjacent organisms, and increasingly, in their death. Despite the unusual modes of transmission and infection, the immune response of ‘victims’ has been typically defensive - the formation of clusters of ‘good’ cells which congregate to repulse and overcome the infective agent/s, in a battle for the survival of the organism/victim.

The only conclusive risk factors identified to date are socioeconomic status, with the overwhelming majority of ‘sources’ belonging to the highest socioeconomic level (Odds Ratio (OR) 5.2, 95% Confidence Interval (CI) 5.19-5.21) whilst ‘victims’ are almost exclusively from the lowest (OR 50, 95% CI 49.99-50.01), emphasising the classic “10/90 gap.”[ii]

This new strain appears to be a mutation of the scourge that swept Latin America in the second half of the twentieth century. Where the cause in that previous epidemic was masked, thus frequently erroneously attributed to co-existing morbidity and localised susceptibility, its mutation is paradoxically both explicit yet camouflaged, thriving particularly in ‘source’ subjects who have had previous surgical procedures such as spinal ablation, or who suffer from Chronic Acquired Depravity Syndrome (CADS) secondary to occupational exposure.

While the latest ‘source’ infection is popularly known as AHNA, or “Abject Hypocrisy, not again!” scientists have broken tradition by naming it after its most famous case, rather than the person who discovered it. It is thus officially termed the Barack Obama, or “B.O.” virus.

A leading scientist today warned against complacency, saying, “It might be tempting to be lulled into a false sense of security – after all, until now it is only killing the poor on the other side of the world – but B.O. still stinks to high heaven, and it’ll take more than ‘a change’ of clothes to eliminate it.”

Emphasising the social isolation, ridicule, and denigration that sufferers of B.O. encounter, and the resulting negative effects on them as well as on social cohesion and community well-being, he added that virologists are hopeful that the comparatively slow and asymptomatic incubation period in ‘sources’ will provide the window of opportunity to prevent disease progression.

“It took several months for Obama to succumb, so we are concentrating on developing interventions for administration during this phase,” he said. ““This virus requires a particular set of defective socioeconomic and political circumstances in which to multiply, and we have every reason to expect that in a healthy environment, it will just wither and die.”

The public is apparently not convinced that a ‘wait-and-see’ approach is sufficient. As one person commented, “We already know how much commitment they have to changing the environment - look at Copenhagen. They must be suffering from ‘lobal’ warming if they think we’ll wait, hope, and trust.”

“It’s just typical of mainstream science,” added another, “They think there is a magic bullet for everything. This virus isn’t going to respond to 10-day course of anti-rhetorics developed by transnational shrug companies.”

At least one renowned epidemiologist agrees. “There is research that indicates a way to control B.O. infection, but it is not just a simple pill,” she informed us under condition of anonymity. “And unlike your average treatment, it is not enough for it to be administered by trained health professionals only. Given that the B.O. virus can remain dormant, and resurface or mutate after long periods of apparent ‘cure’, constant vigilance by everyone, throughout the lifespan, is essential.”

She claimed intellectual property considerations prevented her from divulging the details of this revolutionary treatment at the present time, however she did disclose that it is already in existence, widely available, and free. “At this point, I can only say that it requires daily application, and daily exercise, both as a preventive measure and for treatment, and that it requires not only individual, but also communal involvement.”

When pressed for specifics, she alluded to “certain principles familiar to the average person in every society and religion”, and the need for constant scrutiny and action to “keep the bastards honest.”

As international organisations rush to mitigate the stain of B.O. on the fabric of Latin American democracies, we can at least be confident that the cure is right under their noses, while the ‘victims’ immune systems kick in.

[i] “ I don’t give a sh*t”
[ii] The “10/90 gap” describes the situation in which 90% of the world’s health problems receive less than 10% of global health research funds, both public and private. To address this disparity, health research needs also to include the impact of governmental macroeconomic policies on health. The Combined Approach Matrix: A priority-setting tool for health Research www.globalforumhealth.org

ENDS

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