Satire: Serco To Outsource Prison To Public Sector

In response to high-profile failings, multinational omnicorporation Serco will introduce public management in its prison system.

Serco's New Zealand manager, speaking on condition of anonymity, has announced plans for managers from the Department of Corrections to run the Mt Eden Correctional Facility.

"The State Sector has solid local connections and a long history of providing core crown services. The innovative decision to appoint Corrections managers will bring in new ideas and best practice which will benefit the entire sector. Maybe even including Wiri, the other prison we run."

The spokesperson denied claims Serco was simply using the Public Sector to avoid responsibility for the troubled prison.

“Some naysayers might think the public sector has no business running core crown services and seem prepared to misrepresent or downplay serious private sector failings. I say, we can do better. I’m confident that Corrections will bring the high standards of professionalism, safety, rehabilitation and security expected by Serco to Mt Eden/ACRP.

“I mean, that's not a high bar. We have video of prisoners playing with a staff radio. They might as well have had keys. Maybe they did - I've no idea.”

As well as not letting prisoners have the guards' equipment, other possible innovations include finding out how people keep falling over those balconies even though the rails are quite tall and maybe reporting all the incidents, not just the ones you're likely to be caught for.

The spokesperson emphasized the arrangement will not affect staffing levels. "There will be just as few staff as we have currently."

The prison will continue to operate within the current Serco framework, though Public managers might turn out to be “less sue-able” than private providers. The State will receive a number of one-off payments and Serco will meet the cost of the Public managers.

"But that's a small price to pay. I mean literally not a big price: we have a $300 million, 10-year contract. This money comes out of performance bonuses – apparently we're still getting those – and in return we don't have to manage the prison we are still being paid to manage."

Responding to claims the nature of the contract would encourage a box-ticking approach by the State provider, or even deliberate concealment of failings, the spokesperson was firm.

"At its worst that would be fraud, and if that happened we'd terminate the contract immediately. Not just because we couldn't trust them, but because we'd clearly be incapable of properly running a contract for services."

Besides, it was clear both parties had "the same goals".

"And I don't just mean 'making private providers look good'. For instance, we've just seen what happens when these things go wrong: people suddenly start caring what happens to prisoners. I don't think either of us wants any more of that."

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