1. A FEW WORDS FROM THE PREZ
2. WATCH OUT WEST – BIN LADEN
3. WATCH OUT IRAQ – POWELL
4. HOT GOSS FROM PARLIAMENT
5. TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN TRICK OR TREATED BY ROSS ARMSTRONG
6. WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

1. A FEW WORDS FROM THE PREZ

By Grant Tyrrell, NZ Young Nationals Chair

*Taniwha on the loose?

Apparently Waikato Taniwha are less than impressed by a four-lane expressway going through their backyard. Transit NZ maybe forced to narrow the road to accommodate these mythical creatures. Unfortunately the roading project is designed to negate previous problems (and road deaths) caused by a - you guessed it - too narrow road. One does not wish to be insensitive but surely there is plenty of room in the remaining swamplands, although apparently the rampant Moa population is starting to edge in on the Taniwha's hunting grounds... Maurice Williamson noted that a solution may already have been found – he said in Parliament that a Mr Mike Timmins had written to the Herald advising that he had ‘shot the bastard’ a couple of nights ago. “That man deserves a medal. He has solved the problem for the Government. Now lets get the motorway finished,” said Mr Williamson. *Keith Locke Award for outstanding contribution to Anti-Americanism:

A new award named in honour of everybody's favourite communist - Keith Locke. That's right the same Keith Locke who thought that it was OK for Soviet Russia to invade Afghanistan but the US war against terror was wrong, and that Pol Pot was merely misunderstood. This week the award goes to the New Zealand Herald for publishing a disturbing cartoon depicting George W Bush driving a lynch mob of KKK to Iraq. Assumably the wit who published this thought that Colin Powell and Condolezza Rice would see the funny side.
Check out the cartoon and make up your own mind: http://www.nzherald.co.nz/cartoons/cartoondisplay.cfm?storyID=3003290&thesection=cartoon For mine - I say give War a Chance!

2. WATCH OUT WEST - BIN LADEN

By Osama Bin Laden

To The People That Are Allied With The Oppressive American Government:

The way to security begins by lifting the oppression. It is just to treat others in an equal manner (as they treat us).

Our people in Palestine have been being killed and have been afflicted with the worst torment for about one century. So when we defend our brothers in Palestine, the whole world was moved and formed an alliance against the Muslims under the false banner of fighting against so-called “terrorism.”

So what's wrong with your governments? Why are they allying with the criminal gang of the White House against the Muslims? Do your governments not know that the criminal gang of the White House consists of the greatest mass murderers of the world?

Take Rumsfeld as an example who was a mass murderer in Vietnam. He killed more than 2 million people let alone the masses that were injured. And on the other hand, you find Cheney and Powell who are responsible for the destruction in Baghdad that even outweighs what the Tataric tyrant Holaco has done.

So what's the matter with your governments that they ally with America in order to attack us in Afghanistan? And in particular Britain, France, Italia, Canada, Germany and Australia.

Australia, which we had already warned not to participate in the aggression against Afghanistan let alone its abhorrent role in splitting East Timor (from Indonesia), ignored our warnings until it woke up at the sound of the explosions in Bali. All the time until then, its government had falsely stated that they weren't targeted.

When will fear, killing, destruction, expulsion, orphaning and widowing remain only limited to us while security, stability and happiness remains only limited to you? This is an unfair allotment. The time has come to share in these matters equally.

Just like you kill, you will be killed. And just like you bombarded, you will be bombarded. Be prepared to receive the glad tidings of what will be bad for you.

3. WATCH OUT IRAQ – COLIN POWELL

By Colin Powell

Baghdad's Moment of Truth On Sept. 12, President Bush went before the United Nations and challenged the Security Council to meet its responsibility to act against the threat to international peace and security posed by Iraq. The council's unanimous passage of Resolution 1441 was a historic step for the United Nations toward ridding Iraq of its weapons of mass destruction by peaceful means.

The international community has given Saddam Hussein and his regime one last chance. It is now for Baghdad to seize it.

During the four years since inspectors have been barred from Iraq, Hussein has done everything he can to acquire and develop more weapons of mass destruction -- whether biological, chemical or nuclear. He has no scruples about using the weapons that he possesses or about providing them to terrorists should that suit his interests.

Every member of the Security Council understands that if Hussein fails to comply with Resolution 1441, there must be serious consequences.

The disarmament process must now begin. The first inspectors plan to arrive in Iraq one week from tomorrow. The world will be watching. The inspectors are required to update the Security Council 60 days after inspections start. Inspectors also are required to inform the council whenever they encounter interference or obstacles. As President Bush said on Friday, U.S. policy will be one of zero tolerance.

President Bush and both houses of Congress have emphasized that the United States prefers to see Iraq disarm under U.N. auspices without a resort to force. We do not seek a war with Iraq, we seek its peaceful disarmament. But we will not shrink from war if that is the only way to rid Iraq of its weapons of mass destruction. The Security Council has confronted Saddam Hussein and his regime with a moment of truth. If they meet it with more lies, they will not escape the consequences.

4. HOT GOSS FROM PARLIAMENT

-By New Zealand’s finest investigative journalist, Sneaky R. Wilson.

*Last edition I questioned the genuineness of Craig McNair’s fling with a Labour staffer, but I am prepared to admit I was wrong to doubt him. There have been more sightings, including shopping trips together, so good for him (and her).

*Craig’s boss Winston certainly doesn’t have any problems attracting the ladies though. Winnie was spotted entertaining an attractive blonde at the Hotel Intercontinental late one night this week.

*Which reminds me of a good story - earlier this year a Government staffer, frustrated by Winston ignoring her, flashed her breasts at him and demanded to know what he thought.

Winnie didn’t bat an eyelid though, and carried on sipping his scotch. “Listen, honey-pot,” he sighed. “I’ve seen hundreds of sluts like you in my time in politics. I know how to handle women like you.”

*And here’s an interesting tidbit - guess what Winston’s favourite dinner is? Yum Char soup, which he keeps insisting everyone try. I guess those Asian immigrants do have something to offer!

*Parekura Horomia’s hidden talent as a poet have been exposed – Dominion Post journalist Jonathan Milne sent a piece of waffle from the Minister, entitled “Parekura’s Bureaucratese”, to dodgy website http:// http://www.poetry.com. Here is the masterwork:

“Quite clearly That sort of benchmark in the sense of employment proper in the pure labour market Is then aligned against a commerciality that doesn't take cognisance or is too friendly to Maori progression in the sense of banking availability Lined up against our multiplicity of our land tenure.”

Not surprisingly, the poem has made it to the semi-finals. Managing editor Howard Ely had this to say:

“Before going any further, Jonathan, let me make one thing clear . . . your poem was selected for publication, and as a contest semi-finalist, based on your unique talent and artistic vision.”

*It is a shame therefore that Mr Milne is leaving the Dom – no, not for a career as a professional poet, but for a job with the Sunday Star Times. His replacement at the Dom has been whispered to me, and is an interesting choice!

*And in other poetry news, I understand there is another poetic talent hidden amongst Labour’s ranks. MP David Cunliffe has written a moving epic on his experiences in El Alamein, and has been trying to hawk it off to bemused journalists.

*Here’s a funny story – TVNZ journalists covering the Armstrong scandal have sent Official Information Act requests to TVNZ! The journos are having a great time covering this saga, giving them a chance to have a whack at their old boss.

*The Dominion Post has beaten me to a story (for once), this time on the ACT Party’s name change. ACT are considering a raft of options to invigorate themselves, including changing their name to the “ACT Liberal Party” or “The Liberal Party”. Members and MPs remain frustrated that the party hasn’t made more progress, and is still stagnating at 7% after six years in Parliament.

The consultation document put out by ACT doesn’t mention the one obvious change being whispered amongst party members though – a leadership change. Richard Prebble is an outstanding debater and the best performer in Parliament, but strangely, he is absolutely terrible on TV.

And Deborah Coddington is positioning herself strongly, with an intensive media campaign. As well as asking most of ACT’s questions in the House, she has been targeting lifestyle and women’s mags like Next, She, even the Listener.

*Winston has an idea for a new name for ACT though – he calls them the “ACT Liberace Party”.

*Which reminds me…observers have been wondering why Winnie suddenly went all quiet over the Scampi fisheries scandal earlier this year, after promising to reveal all in April.

Sneaky R. Wilson has a suggestion for those interested in finding out more. A visit to the Electoral Commission (39 The Terrace, Level 4) to peek at NZ First’s electoral donations could make for interesting reading.

*An interesting tidbit about Ministerial costs – there are now 22 Ministerial homes around Wellington which have a DVD player installed, at a cost of tens of thousands of dollars. Which begs the question, how exactly does a DVD player help a Minister in their work? If politicians want to watch a DVD shouldn’t they buy one themselves? And on a salary of $120,000+ a year, it shouldn’t be too hard.

*The New Zealand Herald has some famous admirers overseas – including, believe it or not, rock star Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam. In an interview with American website “The Onion AV Club”, Vedder was asked about the public’s attitude to a war on Iraq.

O: “Do you think the media are to blame, or is it an apathetic public?”

Vedder: “At some point, when you read about this factual information that comes out in The New Zealand Herald and it's barely mentioned in The New York Times, then I think you've got to question where this is being manipulated, and where the filters are.”

*Labour’s Tariana Turia makes some interesting claims in her latest newsletter “Beehive Chat”. She says that programmes to combat Maori domestic and family violence, and improve their health and education “undermine rangatiratanga”. She says they are only symptoms of the real problem – neglect of the 1835 Maori Declaration of Independence, of course.

*Hot Goss wouldn’t be Hot Goss without Hot Goss on United Future, so here is this week’s serve. I could mention some of the staff’s antics, who seem determined (a little TOO determined) to disassociate themselves from the Party’s goody-two-shoes christian image, but I won’t.

*United Future MP ”Doctor” Bernie Ogilvy has made another bold claim about his background. Apparently, he now claims he is United’s sole Maori MP. Ha! Yeah right!

*A certain United Future MP is watching the leaky homes developments rather nervously, given that a close family member of his is currently being sued for building a leaky house and refusing to fix it.

*Remember last week’s story on the dodgy $95,000 donation to Wellington TV, by attendees at a church conference? Well, it obviously didn’t help much – WTV is closing down later this month.

*And I hear that United Future are looking for a new press secretary. Apparently they need a person to work fulltime on damage control over “Hot Goss” stories.

*It’s time for a new feature: The Fashion Police Report from Parliament.

-Roger Sowry and Bill English were spotted wearing the same tie and suit one day last week.

-Paul Adams, in trouble with AIDs and gay groups earlier this year, seems to be seeking forgiveness by wearing the biggest, brightest, gayest, pinkest tie ever seen in Parliament.

-Labour tough-guy John Tamihere is proud of his cool black jacket – so proud that he even wears it while working out in the gym!

-Why was Trevor Mallard wearing the same clothes two days in a row this week???

-Deborah Coddington is still Parliament’s snappiest dresser by far though, especially with her “cleavage tops”. In fact, Steve Maharey nearly fell out of his seat while she was bending over to sign in as an MP.

-And guess which MP is so cheap he wears reading glasses brought from the $2 shop?

Till next week…my lips are sealed!

-Sneaky R. Wilson

5. TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN TRICK OR TREATED BY ROSS ARMSTRONG

1. The podgy head on the platter looks remarkably realistic.
2. You're a CEO and you get offered a "prime mover advantage" if you give him a lolly.
3. He refuses sweets and demands a chilled chardonnay instead.
4. He (not so) subtly hints he has very powerful friends who can virtually guarantee you membership of the Blockbuster Video Library.
5. Before accepting any treats says he has to consult with Richard Griffin.

6. His Casper the Friendly Ghost costume is positively straining at the seams.

7. Remarks on the suitability of your home as a bed and breakfast venue.

8. You have to give him candy to get him OUT of his car.
9. If you don't give him a treat, he takes you to court and then doctors the board minutes to say he was allowed to.
10. No matter what prank he plays, Mark Burton always defends him.

Courtesy of St Molesworth http:// http://www.geocities.com/stmolesworth

6. WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

Finally – a news agency that tells it like it is. For too long we’ve been brainwashed by the propaganda of the imperialist running-dog capitalists. Now you can read the real news from North Korea’s official news agency.

http://www.kcna.co.jp

Any views expressed here are not necessarily those of New Zealand Young Nationals, or the New Zealand National Party.

Contributions, feedback, articles and subscriptions welcome. Email mailto: mailto:newwrite@national.org.nz

Contributors: Osama Bin Laden, Colin Powell, and Grant Tyrrell.

Editor: Phil Rennie

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