The Environmentally-Conscious SOLOist's Guide to Reducing Your Carbon Footprint

1) Smoke cigarettes:
Smoking, though contributing 0.000032% of greenhouse gas emissions, is a sure fire way to reduce your carbon footprint. The diminished lung capacity of smokers means they are less greedy when converting oxygen to CO2, using only what they need. The shortened life span of your average smoker means they can shave off years of carbon emissions altogether.

2) Drink heavily:
Booze production has a low carbon footprint. Packaging consists usually of only a recyclable glass bottle and paper label. A drunken stupor puts you in a low metabolic state similar to sleep. When combined with a smoker's diminished lung capacity, even less CO2 is produced through selfish, unnecessary over-breathing and metabolising. Drinking can also supplant the desire for food, further diminishing one's carbon footprint.

3) Give up exercise:
See above. Smoking and drinking lower your carbon footprint by shortening your life. Exercise increases your life span and increases your lung capacity. Don't do it—you'll kill polar bears.

4) Don't breed:
Natural, wholesome, sexual intercourse produces babies. Babies become walking carbon factories after upgrading from mere shit machines. SOLO recommends that instead of indulging in natural, wholesome, sexual intercourse; you indulge in the most depraved and unusual acts that you can imagine. This will sate your desires, but greatly reduce the chance of breeding, if you can come up with new and inventive places to put things.

5) Kill yourself:
But do it responsibly and in a carbon-neutral fashion. SOLO recommends you tie a hemp (must be hemp, no artificial fibre) rope around your neck, attach it to an anvil, sail under wind-power out to the Mariana Trench and throw yourself over the side.

ENDS

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